The plan, the escape, the jailbreak..

I had this plan, long ago, that I will leave whatever I have one day and go missing, to the knowledge of nobody. And then the part of my masterplan was to live a totally new life with a new identity. But that, my friend, was long ago. I was a child. I hadn't an idea of a passport or other such living proofs. Sipping martini in Bahamas without a past is not an easy task.

So I had parked it aside, the idea. And then, life happened. Several times.
I realized I could not live this anymore. So I wanted to execute this worldly plan. And I knew I couldn't. "I wonder why the birds come back home when they can soar far and high. And then, I wonder why do I."

I had a home. I knew I'd come home no matter what. A home that I could count on. But, well, not anymore.The question is - what happened?

I hoped. It made me happy, lethally. I could feel alive. However, the inevitable had to happen. I could have given up long long ago, but I did not. I had a feeling, it will stay. I clung to it, to the best of my ability. And I saw it fall. I saw it slip away from my hands like dry sand. The walls of my home refuse to recognize me. I failed them, as I see it. Or vice versa.

There lies the wonderful answer: Hope is a dangerous thing. Once my hopes hit the gutter, I realize I can not stand it anymore. I can't stay amongst the same faces, breathing the same air, living like a volcano waiting to explode for the purpose of mass destruction.

Now I plan an escapado. It being a trial run of the giant masterplan. I shall go. I, for sure, can not change my identity yet. But I am certain, I'd change the way people perceive me. And more than that, I'll change the way I perceive myself. This is not what I want to see of myself as. This girl I see in the mirror, she ain't me. She is searching for happiness more than peace. Little does she know, happiness doesn't stay.

So precisely the point, I am escaping from happiness. Because, I am tired of almost finding happiness and then realizing I screwed it up.

Why am I blogging about it? Because I want to remember this. Probably would read this more frequently than ever, so that I can stay loyal to my voyage for peace.
Why am I running away? Because I suddenly realized that I was running for the wrong motive.
Is it worth it? Maybe not. But what can be worse than losing the track, the motive and to an extent, my soul.
Am I giving up? Well, it's better than fighting a lost battle.
Should I try some remodelling / minor changes? It's a drowning ship, and I have been jettisoned by my source already. (Probably being the most painful object, I was jettisoned even without the necessity of it)
Will I ever be happy? *Withering smile*

Anyway, see you around, till it lasts.

Away!

Rudraksh would always ask me why I look back on people while walking away and why would I always wait up to see people go, till I can see them no more.
There is a reason behind it. Allow me to elaborate:

When I was a child and would go to school, there was a tree that was my landmark. Every day on the way back from school, I'd just stare out the car window, not ready to believe I'm home until I saw that tree. It wasn't an ordinary tree mind you. It was the most remarkable and oldest tree around, almost like a sage in a sea of juvenile delinquents. I remember the green walkway through which I would get driven down to school everyday.The tree was the most important part of the drive. It was family.
And then, one fine day, the inevitable happened. The tree was struck by lightening in my absence. It almost felt like someone died on me. Like some aged ancestor who had promised to show me the way home everyday, had just given up and left me astray. I was hurt! It was a breach of trust.

Since then, I have known how it feels to have a bankable being disappear. There have been times when I wished I knew it was to happen. I wish I had some time to prepare myself for the absence. Not that the time would have changed the fact that the tree wasn't there anymore, but more like I wanted to know in advance.

Since then, I have believed it to be necessary to have a notice. I like to see it when people go away. It gives me an imaginary sense of truth in the fact that people can inform before they go. I like to turn back and see the people who matter are still there waiting for me. It gives me an imaginary feeling of triumph, the one that makes me feel important to them. I like to cling to every moment that I can because I know, one day, it won't be there.

Going away, is mandatory. But not pleasant. Hence, I like to procrastinate the bit where departures / closures come into existence.

On that note, see ya around.