I had this plan, long ago, that I will leave whatever I have one day and go missing, to the knowledge of nobody. And then the part of my masterplan was to live a totally new life with a new identity. But that, my friend, was long ago. I was a child. I hadn't an idea of a passport or other such living proofs. Sipping martini in Bahamas without a past is not an easy task.
So I had parked it aside, the idea. And then, life happened. Several times.
I realized I could not live this anymore. So I wanted to execute this worldly plan. And I knew I couldn't. "I wonder why the birds come back home when they can soar far and high. And then, I wonder why do I."
I had a home. I knew I'd come home no matter what. A home that I could count on. But, well, not anymore.The question is - what happened?
I hoped. It made me happy, lethally. I could feel alive. However, the inevitable had to happen. I could have given up long long ago, but I did not. I had a feeling, it will stay. I clung to it, to the best of my ability. And I saw it fall. I saw it slip away from my hands like dry sand. The walls of my home refuse to recognize me. I failed them, as I see it. Or vice versa.
There lies the wonderful answer: Hope is a dangerous thing. Once my hopes hit the gutter, I realize I can not stand it anymore. I can't stay amongst the same faces, breathing the same air, living like a volcano waiting to explode for the purpose of mass destruction.
Now I plan an escapado. It being a trial run of the giant masterplan. I shall go. I, for sure, can not change my identity yet. But I am certain, I'd change the way people perceive me. And more than that, I'll change the way I perceive myself. This is not what I want to see of myself as. This girl I see in the mirror, she ain't me. She is searching for happiness more than peace. Little does she know, happiness doesn't stay.
So precisely the point, I am escaping from happiness. Because, I am tired of almost finding happiness and then realizing I screwed it up.
Why am I blogging about it? Because I want to remember this. Probably would read this more frequently than ever, so that I can stay loyal to my voyage for peace.
Why am I running away? Because I suddenly realized that I was running for the wrong motive.
Is it worth it? Maybe not. But what can be worse than losing the track, the motive and to an extent, my soul.
Am I giving up? Well, it's better than fighting a lost battle.
Should I try some remodelling / minor changes? It's a drowning ship, and I have been jettisoned by my source already. (Probably being the most painful object, I was jettisoned even without the necessity of it)
Will I ever be happy? *Withering smile*
Anyway, see you around, till it lasts.
So I had parked it aside, the idea. And then, life happened. Several times.
I realized I could not live this anymore. So I wanted to execute this worldly plan. And I knew I couldn't. "I wonder why the birds come back home when they can soar far and high. And then, I wonder why do I."
I had a home. I knew I'd come home no matter what. A home that I could count on. But, well, not anymore.The question is - what happened?
I hoped. It made me happy, lethally. I could feel alive. However, the inevitable had to happen. I could have given up long long ago, but I did not. I had a feeling, it will stay. I clung to it, to the best of my ability. And I saw it fall. I saw it slip away from my hands like dry sand. The walls of my home refuse to recognize me. I failed them, as I see it. Or vice versa.
There lies the wonderful answer: Hope is a dangerous thing. Once my hopes hit the gutter, I realize I can not stand it anymore. I can't stay amongst the same faces, breathing the same air, living like a volcano waiting to explode for the purpose of mass destruction.
Now I plan an escapado. It being a trial run of the giant masterplan. I shall go. I, for sure, can not change my identity yet. But I am certain, I'd change the way people perceive me. And more than that, I'll change the way I perceive myself. This is not what I want to see of myself as. This girl I see in the mirror, she ain't me. She is searching for happiness more than peace. Little does she know, happiness doesn't stay.
So precisely the point, I am escaping from happiness. Because, I am tired of almost finding happiness and then realizing I screwed it up.
Why am I blogging about it? Because I want to remember this. Probably would read this more frequently than ever, so that I can stay loyal to my voyage for peace.
Why am I running away? Because I suddenly realized that I was running for the wrong motive.
Is it worth it? Maybe not. But what can be worse than losing the track, the motive and to an extent, my soul.
Am I giving up? Well, it's better than fighting a lost battle.
Should I try some remodelling / minor changes? It's a drowning ship, and I have been jettisoned by my source already. (Probably being the most painful object, I was jettisoned even without the necessity of it)
Will I ever be happy? *Withering smile*
Anyway, see you around, till it lasts.