Monday, June 16, 2014

Sisters

Narayani was having a difficult time walking up those stairs. It was the 17th floor that she had to reach. Hated those days when the lift was "Out of order", which was quite often. She had reached the 15th floor and trying to motivate herself by saying, "Oh C'mon, just 32 more to go!"

She reached the flat and looked around to confirm no one was looking and keyed her way in. Manav sir would never like anyone knowing who frequents the place. He wouldn't want to keep a key either. Kanika ma'm notices everything, from what she had heard. Kanika ma'm would have seen the keys and would ask Manav sir of them. He wouldn't want that. Which is why, every Thursday, for the last 5 years, Narayani would come to the flat at 5:00 pm, after office that is, and Manav Sir come by at around 5:10. He wouldn't ring the bell, as he did not want to attract attention. Narayani had to listen to his footsteps and open the door, right in time. Earlier, she used to spray some room freshner, tidy up the room or something, but that meant he might have to wait outside and Manav Sir never liked it. So she would wait until he comes and then clean up the place a bit and then, errrrrmm, well.

Manav Sir had asked her to move in to the house a lot of times, earlier. She would have too, had it not been for her sister, Nirmayee, who lived with her.

The sisters were orphaned about 6 years ago. Narayani had just graduated and her little one was in the 9th standard. Narayani got a job at her uncle's office as an accounts assistant, but she was terrible at it. She had to cling on to the job anyway, as that was the only way to support their livelihood. There was this office across the road which once flashed an A4 size printout at the entrance saying, "Secretary required, female"
Narayani went in and was interviewed by the most impressive man she'd met, Manav Sir. At the interview, she was asked, "what all can you do?" and she thought he was asking about shorthand / typing and the likes. Narayani was selected anyway and she got a better salary to support her sister's college education. As times went by, Narayani felt that Manav Sir would make advances on her and she'd like it. Once, after an office dinner when Manav Sir was dropping her home, he confessed that he liked her a lot. She was ecstatic. She said that she liked him too. The next morning, Kanika ma'm came to office and Narayani understood that she was a little too snooty and dominating for Manav Sir, which is why their marriage can never bring bliss to him. One thing led to another, gradually time went by, and Manav Sir got a "guest-house" for the company's guests. Every Thursday since, Narayani would come to this house and they would have a pleasant time.

Earlier, it used to be highly physical. Sharma Aunty, the neighbor, once saw her come back from office late a thursday night and told her, "It is so much that you do for your sister. Your parents would have been proud of you." Narayani nodded with a tired smile. She was partially sorry about how her parents would have not been proud of her, but the "tiredness" of her smile stemmed from the throes of passion subjected towards her about half an hour ago. The passion reduced, gradually, she became more of his caretaker. She would come, massage his hair, make him tea with saccharin, sometimes, they would just wait by, listen to some of his favorite songs or watch a cricket match. She would see how Manav Sir's otherwise grim face would light up on these days. She loved to make him smile. There wasn't much pleasure to her other than that. Manav Sir, in return, would take care of her financial needs. As Nirmayee was progressing at her college, she'd need a lot more money that Narayani could budget or squeeze in for her from her monthly salary. All she needed to do was ask. Manav Sir never denied any favor.

Manav Sir was late today. Narayani sat on the couch waiting for him. She started thinking of him and the times they have faced. Manav Sir, earlier had this weird habit of hiding his shoes beneath the bed, as though someone would come and steal it while he's caressing her hair. She had to buy a small shoe cabinet for the living room just to do away with those shoes. And then there was this other time, when they'd gone to a coffee shop and his wife's cousin bumped into them. Manav Sir had to make up this story of how a colleague has quit his job and they were there to get him a surprise farewell present. There was once a wedding in his family. Manav Sir's cousin was getting married. He used to be extremely busy; did not meet Narayani for about 4 weeks. To compensate that, he got her a saaree. Narayani almost felt like his wife then. That day, by far, was the most important she had felt in a while. However, things hadn't been the same. Manav Sir had a lot of work these days and was also setting up a new branch in Delhi. He was getting annoyed way too easily of late and was spending lesser time with her. There had been a few weeks that Manav Sir would text her in the morning saying, "Cant make it tday, Sry". Narayani did not like it, but she would not want to be bothering him. She knew that absolutely nothing would change his feelings for her. She knew it was just the work. But, of late, a little fear had gripped her. Nirmayee needed to submit her project and the last date of fee submission was Monday next. She had to speak to Manav Sir. Hence, this Wednesday, she texted him saying, "Tomorrow, please, it's important." Manav Sir did not reply but she'd checked his appointment calendar. Green check at 5:00 on Thursday was a good sign.

The clock struck 5:30 and she heard footsteps. She peeped out the door-lens only to find out it was the neighboring flat. She was getting worried. Nirmayee was  an outstanding student at her college. She was also a part of the College's Drama Society. She'd gotten a job in a reputed MNC through the placement cell and was sure of getting good grades at graduation. However, non-submission of the project would mean that her results would be withheld and she'd not be able to join the office on the given reporting date. Narayani was getting nervous by the passage of every minute. At 5:45, though, her fear was put to rest. She heard familiar footsteps and it was him this time.

She opened the door, let him in and shut it really quick, lest anyone see them. She then hugged him really tight and was about to cry. He saw it, he held her close and tapped her back. In his usual caring voice, he comforted her and sat her down. She really felt he understood her. He'd gotten some chocolates and cold coffee. Before she could even ask, Manav Sir apologized for not giving her enough time these days. He also told her that he'd transferred some money to her this morning. Narayani tried to hide her relief at hearing those words, but was pretty sure that Manav Sir would have noticed.

They sat and small-talked about things, weather; indulged in a bit of office gossip. A pretty good time, one would say. Just as they rose to leave, Manav Sir remembered something. He said, "I almost forgot, we've hired a new architect. She's from another city, so I offered her to stay in this house for a while, I hope you don't mind. You'll meet her in office next week. She's a a very nice person. I really like her sense of humor and dressing. She reminds me of you, though. I mean, what you were a few years ago. I think you'll like her. She's a lot like you. You  know, you could be sisters."

And he left. For good, one would guess.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

And such is love!

I love you.

There, I said it.

I love you a lot. A lot more than I can imagine. Lot more than I can tolerate, I should tolerate rather.

I saw you walk past. I saw you go away. I saw that never even turned back to see.I noticed every bit. I comforted myself saying not all people are the same; I like to see him go, he doesn't want to check if I am still there.

I even saw you fall in love. I saw you turn into a totally different person. Things that were insane and stupid with me, suddenly became cute. Things which you would find lame when I did them, you did all of those and more. I saw in you for her what I always wanted for me. I wasn't even jealous, most times. I was only glad that it happened to you.

I saw when your love fell apart. I saw when you were desperately clinging for hope onto what was a lost cause. Ironically, you chided at me for doing the same. I'm glad you finally understood what love was about. Not so glad, though, as you chose which lost cause to fight and that wasn't me.

Sigh! I still love you a lot. A lot more than I can imagine. Lot more than I can believe.

There I sat, trying to understand what went wrong with us. I tried to make all wrongs go away. Figured it was never meant to be anyways. I tried not talking to you for long. Did not work. Tried to talk to you about it. Did not work. I tried to talk to you about everything but it. Did not work. Nothing ever did. Nothing changed the way I feel about you. Like I once said, nothing ever shall change my love for you. I was only romancing you then. Ah! Little did I know.

There I sat, once I told you to cling to the girl. You listened. Next time you fought, I told you to end it with her. You did not listen. Never was I ever sure of what did I want. Never was I ever sure of what did you want. Never could I surmise why would you ask my opinion. I was difficult. Each time, was it not? For me, it was, to listen to you tell me how you loved her so. How you would by all means leave no stone unturned, which wasn't even worth the effort or a try once, earlier.

There I sat, when you wronged her. You were on the verge of doing the same to her, that you did to me. I saw, told you to not do so. I wasn't sure if you'd listen. But you did. I still am not sure if I should feel good or not.

Alas! I still love you a lot. A lot more than I can imagine. Lot more than I ever thought I could or would.

Do you even realize? You make a hell lot of difference to me. You mean a lot. If only half the feelings were reciprocated, I'd be happier than I have ever been. But it was not to be. Ironically, I guess you feel that way about your girl. I wish, for your sake, that she could see you through my eyes. But hey! That is not to be. I don't think anyone has loved anyone as insanely as this. Ever. I guess no one should.

I know it hurts. I know it is not worth it. I know it's pointless. And I know it is. And it shall always be.

Ironically though, I'd once wished for you to fall in love. Guess I should have been more specific about who with. Guess I should have known better. Guess I should have believed in my own wishes.

And yet, I love you. A lot more than I can imagine. Lot more than anyone would. Lot more than I can.



Read a lot of stuff of late. It's sort of a combination of stuff. Probably makes sense. Probably doesn't. There are quite a few unpublished pieces here. I'll clean them up and start publishing more frequently. I swear.

Anyways,
See ya around.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

About a boy

From the eyes of a silent, invisible spectator, brushing through the pages in the Book of Time:

There he is!

Oh! Look at the bundle of joy. Look at the blessedness he brings to the family. Did the father want a girl-child, I know not. Did the elder child frown at him, I know not. What I look at is the glow in the parental eyes. What I look at is the world of good he does, henceforth. What I wish is that the world be at his feet, if he so desires. What I see is the tiny fingers and toes, the glow that he brings with himself, the way he looks at the world and the way the world looks at him, as the years pass by.

There he is! That’s him!

How adorable has he become. Don’t you just love the way time has left his innocence unscathed? Wretched are the souls that bully him. “You are too fat”, they said. “You’re funny”, they said. Oh! Leave him alone, will you? He’s just a boy. He’s just in school. What difference does it make? His first tryst with the world, and what did it do to him? They bullied him much. They made him pity. He did not want it. He did not deserve it. What am I to do now?
I see him make the face, each time. I see him fight back, each time. I know he can, I know he will. But why? He’s not to change himself for those wretches, is he? Ah! What do you know? He was hurt. He behaved otherwise. He gave away the fat, and a bit of his soul – the part which could interact, forgive. Neat barter, eh?
Before I know it, he was struck. Before he knew it, it left him with a mark.

There he is! I think.

There is a faint change though. He’s an adolescent, mind you. He interprets the world in his own eyes. Just like cattle that strays and grazes throughout, but finds its way home every evening to seek peace, so does he. Something’s wrong, I sense it.He lacks trust, whatever was left of it.Things have left him scarred. I sense betrayal. I sense disguise.I can see that his folks feel he’s astray. He doesn’t. Nor do I.

I can see people judge him. He can see it too.
It did not happen in a day. It’s been over a course of time. I don’t even know what happened. He’s seen death, maybe. He’s seen the ugly faces of people, has he? The murk that the world brings along. He’s seen it all. He’s judged it all. All figured in his head. He knows. He’s gotten sharper by the day. He seems to have seen evil in all that he has come across. He knows. How I wish he did not, but he does. It has been for good, one may reckon. It may be thought of as a part of growing old, eh. But I have seen the innocence. I have seen the unblemished trust, the faith, that I shall see no more. It feels different to see him now. He’s a better, smarter person, most definitely. He’s grown taller. Do I hear a sigh as the
curious eyes scan living objects. But something’s amiss. For the good. I guess, I hope. Yet, there shall be various times in future when I’d wish I could have protected him from this good.

There he is! That should be him.

But what do I see? He was believed astray. He proves them wrong. He attempted to align himself with the norms of the society. He’s attempting. Success played hard-to-get. He drew imaginary walls around him, all around him, in defense. He disguised himself as the guy who can manage, even when he was about to crack out open. “I’m not here,” he said, “this ain’t happening,” he said. I could hear him. I got worried. But I knew, he’ll do good. He worked his way towards it. And good he did. He managed to be the one who scaled equal, if not better, amongst the rest. From the evil that he had seen, he learnt to compete, he learnt logic, he learnt it all the hard way, but he did. When I look at him now, I feel, he’s seen good and evil: in proportions that he could handle, most times.

But look at him! He’s humble, intelligent and shall be successful too. He’s been rebuked so much that he thinks it’s no problem when others laugh at him anymore. He’s been scared and scarred by people much, he needs no one. The mistakes that he made have made him a planner. He knows what can go wrong, prepares for the worst and handles it with such ease. And that’s not even the best part. He’s been hurt so much, that nothing hurts anymore. He’s so controlled that he can tackle emotions and yet, he can communicate his mind. There are times I get a doubt that he knows what he wants. That be a
gift, mind you!

I can’t not feel proud when I see him thus. Was I a fool to worry? All virtues came to him, dabbed in vices. The boyhood was a steep price to pay. Yet, it was worth it. Partially, I don’t know him anymore.
But, well, it’s all good at the end, so they say.

There he is! Wait, is that him?

Is he even the boy I saw once? I can see the occasional twinkle, the rare spark of joy, beneath the solid crust of flesh and bones. Why, life gave him battles. Little did I know, he’d martyred a little bit of himself at each battle. I figure it’s pointless trying to find in the next pages. I wonder if I’d even be able to recognize him.


My heart beguiles, I know not why. And yet! I love him till I die.