Shadow

Apeksha would wake up in the middle of several nights with a startled expression. She could not get over her parents' divorce. Apeksha always knew that her parents had a troubled marriage. But she thought that her parents would stay together, only for her, if nothing else.

She loved her father more than her mother. And she would publicly accept that. But her father lost his job during recent bulk lay-offs at his company and he was a little "different". He wasn't fond of people and socializing. Post loss of employment, he lost the Apeksha's custody as well. Apeksha wasn't very happy with the way things turned out; but she had a very practical outlook in life and was content with living with her mother. Ironically, her mother would always say that Apeksha inherited her way of thinking from her father. She was practical, stout-mouthed and yet, very caring.

When she would think of it now, all that she could remember of her parents' married life was the fights. There were so many of them. The two of them did not have common working days. Since mother worked in hotels, she had even more work than normal on weekends and holidays. She always remembered father scorn once, "Only whores work on sundays." It wasn't just the odd working days. Her father would see her mother coming home very late nights with different people (men and women). He would always see her smile when she would get indoors. But the minute she would step foot in the house, the smile would disappear. Apeksha guessed that he would be infuriated by the fact that her mother could not be happy in the house as well; whereas her mother believed that he wanted her to not be happy anywhere. Now that she was on her summer vacation (about 3 months since the divorce), she had all the time in the world to act grown-up and think about the reasons why their marriage failed. But she would throw her hands in the air and almost convincingly tell herself that it wasn't her fault and no matter how much she thought of it, she won't be able to change a thing.

So she would go about her mundane life waiting for mother to come home, which would generally be very late in the night. During the days, she would clean the house of the all tens of ciggarette butts that her mother would have thrown all over the house during the previous night. Ketaki Amma, the maid would come for about an hour every day and they would eat lunch together while watching the television. She would have several conversations with Ketaki Amma, about how the younger generations do not understand the hardships that parents have to go through, or that her mother should get married to someone rich and famous, or that black makes women look thin, or anything else that caught their fancy at the minute. Though these conversations weren't fruitful, these were the only human touch in her life for days to come. She was 16, and yet she had managed to alienate all her friends. Her mother thought that it was a result of being the product of a failed marriage, but Apeksha knew that she wasn't fond of any of her friends anyway. She never told her mother so, as she was certain that someday, she would be able to use the guilt well.

After Ketaki Amma would have left during the day, Apeksha would be alone; but there would be times she felt a shadow, or something staring at her from outside the house. She was sure there wasn't anyone, but somehow, she wasn't able to convince herself. There would be days she would hear a faint cough or a clap as if the "shadow" wanted her to know that there was someone out there, staring at her. She wouldn't even dare to see in the direction. Having recently moved to the house, she did not know anyone in the vicinity. She did not want to scare her mother with vague fears, since her mother already had a lot of things to take care of. So she did not tell her anything. She did ask Ketaki Amma to check once. But she saw nothing / no one. Apeksha wasn't too sure of it, as Ketaki Amma would not even notice the spider webs on the ceiling, even when Apeksha would point in the direction. Ketaki Amma said, "Stop mocking me, you see for yourself if you want." But Ketaki Amma also reassured her that there haven't been any robberies in the neighborhood any time recently. She chuckled a bit after, reminding Apeksha that her grandfather's gun was placed in the Rack on the Drawing Room display and it may be of use someday. Apparently, Ketaki Amma helped mother renew the licence for the gun as well.

A few days later, Apeksha saw something she hadn't seen in a really long time. Her mother was in the kitchen, cooking. Before she could take a jibe at it, mother told her that Ketaki Amma wasn't coming over that day. Mother told her, almost disapprovingly, "Ketaki has fallen ill again, God knows what is it this time." During the day, Apeksha was watching the television alone like any other day. Suddenly, she heard something that seemed like footsteps. She told herself it was nothing, and that she was only creating things in her head because she had nothing else to do. She wanted to look in the direction of the noise, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to see someone there or not. She was afraid, obviously, but she was also amused by the idea that she had made up a fake stalker in her head. On a normal day, the "shadow" would disappear when Ketaki Amma would come; probably because she would then start to have something to do with her time. Today, however, much after the time that Ketaki Amma would generally come, she felt that the "shadow" did not leave. She tried to look in the direction, she did not do so fully, but she did get a feeling that she saw someone there. She was afraid that if she looked in the direction, and there was someone there, he may get courageous and approach her. But somehow, she still believed that it was just her imagination. She almost convinved herself to that effect.

As it started to get darker, she wasn't sure of what would she do. The noise of footsteps would appear from various places around the house. It seemed like the "shadow" was trying to see if someone else was at home. She wasn't sure of what would she do if some stranger did walk in to the house. She was just a little girl. But she thought of it a little more, and the fear reminded her of what her father. She knew that if he were around, everything will be alright. He would always provoke things which seemed insane, adventurous at best, but would always solve every problem. She knew her daddy wasn't nearby and she was scared of her mother more than the shadow. She dared not call her father to help. Tears rolled down her pale pink cheeks. It reminded her of the day when she first cried from the way to school because her parents would fight incessantly through the nights; though she told her father that she saw a ghost in her dream the previous night. Her father told her that he'll always be with her and around to scare all the ghosts away. His voice seemed so comforting, she was convinced that he'll take care of it all. It was a false assurance, when she thought of it now, but it did her a world of good. Her shadow took a step towards her house, she could see it move from afar. She was sure that her imagination was playing tricks with her and the only way she could calm her senses was the gun. She took the gun and she shot in the direction of the shadow. She never thought it would really fire a bullet, but it did. The sound of the bullet fire was deafening to her, her fingers trembled for a bit and she felt that her temples burst out of her head and move along with the bullet. She fell, nearly fainted for a few minutes. But then she rose and looked in the direction. She saw no one. The shadow was gone. 

She felt proud. She knew that her imagination had been cured. "Obvioulsy, gun shot triumps fear," she thought to herself. But she wouldn't stop grinning out of pride. It was a happy moment for her. Instead of crawling with the fear of the invalid, she solved her problem. She won't be able to tell this to her mother. But the next time she would meet her father, she decided to tell him. She could imagine his eyes glistening with awe over the fact that his little girl shot a bullet in air. Would he be proud more of the fact that she did it or would it be for the fact that she did it with her grandfather's gun, he who never believed that women were meant to be anything. She played some music and decided that she was hungry. Her mother was a terrible cook, so she decided to make herself some french fries. Her mother would pick some ketchup sachets from her hotel almost daily. They had a jar in which they would empty those sachets almost every weekend. No body ate ketchup in the house. But mother got those sachets with her nonetheless. Today, she decided she'll use some of them. The house filled itself with the smell of hot oil and a while after, she had freshly fried potato slices garnished with finely chopped spring oninon, a huge dollop of mayonnaise, strangely cut pieces of tomato and a lot of ketchup. She did feel the occassional fear of the unknown, but now she knew what she was capable of. She cleaned the house, watched a movie and waited for her mother. When she got bored, she changed the curtains in the house, ran the current ones in the washing machine, combed her hair and brushed every corner of the house to extract all signs of burnt tobacco, hair, dead insects and what not. Mother wasn't home even then. She was tired, but she did not want to sleep tonight without meeting mother.

It was almost 3:00 am, when finally, mother came home. She was a little drunk and her lipstick was smeared almost all across her face. She was very happy. She was amazed when she saw Apeksha was still awake. Apeksha ran into her arms the minute she stepped in, only to notice mother wasn't dressed in the same clothes that she was when she left home in the morning. Mother looked beautiful, except, of course, the smeared lipstick, the ruffled hair, the red eyes, the crumpled dress and the abominable smell of cigarrettes. Mother told her to stay away but, she soon realized, she won't be able to get Apeksha to go away without a bear hug. She gave her that and they went to sleep.

The next morning, by the time Apesha woke, mother had already left for her day. Ketaki Amma did not come to work for almost an entire week, but Apeksha did not have any trouble in the house. She was happy, she was confident and she was proud. Mother had started to come home early and she would bring along a colleague. He would have dinner with them almost every day and them both would smoke a lot of cigarrettes together. Apeksha did not like him. Mother knew that she did not. Mother told her that she did not have to like him as he would soon be gone. Apeksha did not understand what that meant. But as long as she knew she did not have to tolerate the person for a long time, she could bear it.

One day, mother came back home early, much earlier than her recent timings. She came back alone and her face looked like she had seen a ghost. She ran into the house held Apeksha very tight and cried her eyes out. Apeksha couldn't understand a thing of what she said, but she her mother mention father's name a lot.After mother was somewhat done crying, Apeksha asked her what happened.

"Your father is dead. His body was found rotting not far from here, this very room. He was shot in his heart by a single bullet. They say he's been dead for days. He was probably coming to meet you and he lost his way."