Further .. On Peace

Peace is a bizzarre concept. Its a funny thing, i guess.
What does the term signify..?

To some it means something, to others it means a completely different thing.
What is peace to some may mean utter chaos to others.

Allow me to elaborate-
We are humans, aren't we all. No revelation that.
Humans perceive things differently in different circumstances.
Fish markets stink and frustrate us normally, but are peace to a vendor. Totally crowded ones, even better.
Death is painful for everyone. Maybe not to a coffin-maker.
Fleet of birds is not peace to a captor.

Anything can be peace to anyone, depending a lot of things,
The filth in the rains
the sickening smell of paint
the fear of heights
drowning in deep sea
being pelted with stones
making a mistake
getting rid of a guilt
drowning your conscience in liquor / dope
loosing your senses / yourself / to someone
anything.. thats the beauty of the insatiable, biased, dynamic, programmed-to-desire human mind

Some people say love is peace.
Well, at least to me, love is a sinking lifeboat. You know you need to throw weight away. So you throw your pride first. Then self-respect. Then independence. Gradually you decide to do away with memories, people - everyone who you ever knew. And then you drown in the weight.
If you tell me its not true, i laugh.
If you tell me that is peace, i smile.

I have always wondered why peace is so important.
Maybe its not important at all.

maybe its just a bully we can easily pretend we like.

on love

Love.. Ah! Pity that you think that it exists.
There is no love on the planet. Its just a concept that sells.
Well, digest this. What if you were born to someone other than who your mother is, another pretty woman maybe. Would you still not love your mother, whoever she is? Doesn't everyone love his/her mother? Its not about the love my dear. Its about the need. Most of the times, we depend on people. And that dependence is reciprocated. Thus, we begin to feel it is love. What if all the people in your life did not have a role to play in your life at all? We depend on everyone in our lives. Some for emotional requirements (by that I mean - the requirements to be close to someone, someone to hear us talk and attempt to make sense out of it, someone to make us feel important, someone to make us feel that even when the entire planet is up against us, someone, somewhere still believes that we are the best thing since sliced bread, and the works!) and some others for other, more practical, material requirements. For example, we all need a driver, a cook, a gardener, a sweeper, a maid, a spouse, so on and so forth for obvious and similar reasons. Similarly, we need parents too. We did not choose our parents. We got delivered to them by default. Figuratively speaking, we did not even choose our friends, circumstances made them our friends.
And the same people stay in our lives as they made it a better place (momentarily at that)

Ever wondered if you would really care to be the same to people all throughout?
Ever wondered who conned the term "taken for granted" and for what reason?
Well, for starters, why don't you begin with wondering why people change in the first place?

They change because the circumstances make them change. They change because they get bored of being nice to us. No one can be nice to us. I have friends who have been in relationships for a long long time. Too long to form an opinion. Too long to judge the person. What is the point of it all, if I may ask? The person they loved on day 1 has evolved into an entirely different person, and now they still stick to each other like parasites. They could have been in love with someone else as well. Would it have made any difference in the situation? Well, I dont think so.
People is a funny concept. I always get jealous of people who have a short memory. Its so much fun to not know someone. Actually anyone. If the place was just so full of strangers who wouldn't want to know one another, people would not really care to judge you or to take home ill-memories, the world could be a peaceful place.  After a judgement is already passed, its difficult not just to change it but also to prevent it from deteriorating. The "Knight in Shining Armour" always ends up being the "Retard in Tin Foil." Or maybe I'm just expecting too much. Both sides of the coin are possible. And, figuratively speaking, both bring the same point home.

This was another one of the posts that I had not published due to lack of sense making capacities.
However, I publish it now.

Sincere apologies.
See ya around.

Today..

Today I see a man. He is so happy and pleasantly smiling. I have seen him so many times earlier. But I never managed to see him this happy.
Oh! I pity him so much. Its a pity that he is not happy all the time, if I may say so. But thats not what I pity him about.

His hands are so clumsy that i feel i touched a loose water baloon (or an old woman's belly) His smile and voice are so tired that they emit an aura of apathy. One look at him and you dont think he deserves to be this happy at all.
He seems to be a normal human being, but so arrogant in his sub-normal existence that he doesn't even realise what is he missing.
The irksome look on his face, the feeling when you see him .. the one of wishing to pound his bones to powder, the one which does not let you feel like believing in him at all. the one of acute hatred and despice.

Why, why would i feel so? Why would I want to dismantle each limb off the body?
I do dislike humans on a general basis. Like there are so many individuals who are nice but I dont particularly enjoy their company, for no apparent reason. However, this one is special. For this guy has never harmed me directly. Speaks like a jackass, works like a jackass, lives like a jackass. Nothing changes. Nothing effects me. Absolutely no difference made by dint of his sheer existence. And he is happy today.

Relevance quotient almost equals zero to me.

But i still feel the pang of miserable pity. Hate the feeling. Hate him more for causing the feeling.

Wish I didn't have to feel so. Wish I wasn't here in the first place. Wish he wasn't here in the second.



See ya around..

You

PREFACE: I have been away for a while.

Just like I always wanted. Away from my thoughts. Which is also why I am entirely unapologetic about not blogging since 2nd Jan. I did manage some stuff, but it was too miserable to complete and too incomplete to put up here.

However, this is something that I have been thinking of, while on my way home from work. EVERYDAY!
Please do not, forcrissake, expect the following to make sense. Although, on afterthought, I am going to make maximum sense I ever made.
So here it goes:

Dedicated to "you"

You there! Do you think I dont recognise you anymore?
I do. I always have.
I have seen through each mind game that you played. I followed each one of your moves. Pretty neat, I must say. Neat enough to allow me to enjoy, even though I realise it's just the same old mind game.
Each time...
Each and every time...
You come across as a random stranger. I tell you my story each time (now I always heard the chuckling, you didn't expect me not to). You'd enjoy a new version of the story. You have heard so many of them that you don't even bother to remember which one was it this time. For that matter, I don't even remember which one it was. I guess I have forgotten the truth by now. Was that your trick? Oh boy! How I wish it was!

Your intent, however, was to drown me in the shallow well of vulnerability.
You wished to plaster me with confidence, that was your way of straight-jacketing me.
You dragged me to the altar of well-being and from almost nowhere shackled me to it.
And lo! "Before I could even realise" I was taken.

You have had variouos faces. The meek, the poet, the wanderer, the goon, the altruist, the devoted, the random, the unknown, the famous.

Hah! But little do you realise, I see through you now, I saw through you everytime. I knew you shall destroy me bit by bit, pieces into pieces. But I let you.

I let you because I needed to learn.

Albeit, have I learnt still remains a mystery... and so does the question, do I want to learn.
You know everything of me. Yet there is a lot that I hide from you. There is a lot that you shall never know and you never should.
Today I still know and face it. It was you each time.
In a different face. In an altogether different way each time.
Someday, when I get the time from sorting the mess we've built around me, I shall introspect. And I shall realise that I have been foolish - loosing a contest willingly when I didn't stand a chance to win in the first place. I could've never won. If I ever came close to it anyways, you'd have backed out and re-entered the contest as an entirely different person. Hah! Caught you.

Funny thing, eh?


... The End.

See ya around!

As you like it..

We.. we are a funny bunch of people.
when someone is a depressive person, why is that person thought of as a maniac?

What about those who laugh at silly jokes? and what about those who really crack those jokes?
When a person laughs or thinks that he can laugh, it's just an expression of an emotion. Similarly when a person is perpetually angry or upset, its just an emotion too.
Why would people think or pass negative judgements about that person?

How naive can we be?
If a person is upset, its not just a way of life. Why can't we acknowledge that someone might just have to be upset? Depression is not welcomed, it creeps in - unwilingly at that. And the worst part - it refuses to wear out. It's like age. It grows untill the air is too thick to breathe.
It makes one feel like garbage and it makes one whine even when others think it's unnecessary. The world maybe a beautiful place. Ever wondered why would anyone be oblivious to the primary beauty of existence? Pray! Its because some unworthy souls have their lives full of murk and filth enough to provide them with the darkness to sink all brightness in its garb.

Let me also tell you what makes us naive:
Judgement in individual lives is just as certain as death and taxes. We judge people way too quickly and then life is too short to allow us to change our judgements. So, when we notice someone whining, we believe, almost instantly, that the person cannot be in need of the morose expression all the time. However, we choose to completely ignore the fact that we dont know the person entirely. What if the depression is the only state that can help them gain some mental stability (which is true, for a lot of people)? What if the person has been through much more than what can be borne by a "normal" human being and yet the person chose to live over the idea of a convevnient cease of life?
But we are vain. We cant live with the fact that someone somewhere has a real reason to complain whereas we just crib about the bad roads, bad weather, bad sex, bad relationship or a bad hair day. When someone is complaing about a bad relationship, little does the person think that someone else might really even be in a relationship which makes life miserable.

Why does one's own sorrow always seem mammoth? Why would one think that if I can live through what I have, anyone else can live through anything? Why can people not assume that maybe (just maybe) someone somewhere was not made to bear what he had to bear? Why can't people believe that at times sorrow, even if it seems little to someone else, can wear an entire heart or a soul?

Here's to wishing people just let the depressed be - regardless of the judgements.

Anyways,
See ya around!

Based on a true story.

Momma momma, I make you cry,
Momma dear, why o why,
Why do you have to do this momma
Why do I have to listen to you when you're not gonna
you get too emotional
dishonesty is just perceptional
I'd like to obey you and be a good girl,
But you know there's life in the world,
Freedom, Peace, Air, so much bliss,
everything that I'm going to have to miss.
Miss because you dont think its right
But why do I have to live in this fright?
your tears tear me apart,
and that's not even the best part.
my reflections fail me, do you even care?
i cant feel alive, am I even there?
you bound me to shackles and chains
you rip my nerves, you took my brains
when was the last time i remember
when did i not have to surrender?

Momma, please, why can't I be.
Mom'd say - I'll kill you in the name of discipline
one day you'd see.

Jeremy

I love the naming game. I name everything that I love. There was one time when I named the guy I was willing to date Hagar the Horrible, for reasons best known to nobody. It was not a surprise that it didn't work out between the two of us.
However, the above piece of information was not for no tangible reason.
I thought you'd like to know this. 'Cause then, this post would make sense.
I was once a pianist. Not a great one at that. But yeah, well I was a pianist.
Well, there's a story behind that too. My dad once went to Siliguri and for those who didn't know you get electronic items at dirt cheap rates over there. And since he didn't really know what to buy, he bought me a tiny piano-keyboard. Wait! In case you thought that I was the artistic sorts, let me clear your doubts. I am not even close to art. I could be terrible at creating music (This being a modest statement. I actually am terrible at creating music.) So there I was - an ugly duckling with a 2 and a half octave piano with absolutely no idea what to do with it.
And then, my mom had plans of her own.
She thought that I am the naughty-haughty brat of the house and I, according to her, was not particularly interested in studies. (Which is sort of ironic beacuse I am good. Considering I did pretty well academically in my future.) And I was studying under SEBA where in the final years of my studies I had to study "Advance" mathematics. My mom was certain of me failing that one. And the only way out was, if I was ordinary at music, I could choose that as a subject instead of proving my mathematical handicap to the world by flunking it with miserable scores.
Thus, because of a cheap bargain and a overthoughtful mother (and also because of a bad record at studies) I was the proud owner of a tiny piano. (Its more like a Piano-Keyboard or a digital piano, but i like to call it my piano). It was a beautiful casio CSR-250(, which was lated given away to Jini who screwed it - like literally.)
Anyways, luckily for me, we also had music school very close to my house (like a 10 minute walk away). And that place belonged to the President of the All Assam Music Association. My luck!
(BTW, my first year of those cost my parents just 30 bucks a month - beat that!)
That was definitely not the best learning experience of my life. In case you didn't read it well already - I am not an art person.
I scraped through. Got 2nd division marks in each level (I appeared only 3 of them in 7 years - which is kinda slow.) Another irony.. remember the mention of Advance Mathematics? Yeah, the subject which i was assumed to flunk and which is why I sort of started learning piano - Well, I scored 91 in it. Thus, the entire piano exercise is rendered sort of pointless.
However, the first hitch appeared when I passed my first level. Surprising as it was for the fact that I passed, my lessons started getting tougher. I needed a bigger piano to learn those lessons. It was a sort of unnecessary luxury, considering that a bigger one would cost my father more than his entire months salary. (But I dont really consider that terrible either, 'cause that piano now would cost me more than my entire month's salary anyways.) So, my parents rejected the idea. I cried my way into a bigger piano.
And that, my dear, was the birth of Jeremy.
He is awesome.
He is a seven octave fellow. His keys were too big for my tiny hands at that time. But owning him was an overwhelming experience. On afterthought, it still is.

I had locked him up the cupboard for a while.
But now, I am sort of rediscovering my love for him
What inspired this post?
Today I saw his aged ancestor. A huge accoustic. I played it too. I wonder if there really is anything that can make me feel more alive.
SO today i decide that I am going to take my piano lessons seriously and, when I can afford the luxury, I'll get Jeremy's relative home. It will be good for him to stay with family.

Ah! Another dream added to the list.

Anyways, see ya around.