Revisiting the past

Hey there,

Haven't met for a long time, have we?
Yeah, well, I was occupied.

I have written some stuff, but I shall be publishing them some other time. For now, here it goes:

I am back to another godforsaken nook of the planet, back to the grind, back to the place where fears haunt me the most, the riots trouble me the most, the voices get seen the most, the works!

This place always drives me to think. And thinking I was.

So here is what struck: What if someday, I wake up and I have nothing to do, nobody to look up to, nobody to talk to, like an absolute limbo?
One of the biggest fears of my life has been loneliness. What would I do?
Work, money, things, materials never made sense to me. People did. What would I not do to have someone around me. Someone to care. Someone to treat me important, to make me a person.

We pass by phases in life when we think nobody matters, nobody understands us, nobody can care for us the way we need - so on and so forth. But the truth is, how much so ever incomplete life is with someone, it's even worse without.
I always wanted to not be in a situation, when I don't have a purpose. People are my purpose. When I don't have one, maybe I'll be old, or not.Maybe I'll be able to support myself, or not. But does that matter? Don't think so.
I believe what does matter is the fact that there people around me would be the reason for which I would do whatever I do. Anytime. Appreciation or otherwise of people, their freedom or dependence matters and has mattered to all. Isn't that also why all that has happened has happened?

We all are vain. Trivia can make us do good, evil or nasty stuff, whence, ginormous matters might not even change anything. It's weird how to most people ensuring that their child smiles is more important than keeping their surroundings clean.

And lo! Here I am, dragged out of the common course of the people that I am used to, into this plethora of strange faces that fail to recognize me.
Are my fears materializing? In a way.
Am I scared? To my spine.
Am I going to do anything about it? Don't think so.
Shall I be at peace? Not any time soon. (That has another reason too, but that is another post)

Anyways, see ya around.

Pain, attachment et al

I was reading about a certain muscular disorder the other day. So there was this girl, who had a peculiar tissue-issue in her muscles and could not feel pain.
Interesting and tempting as it is, she was completely oblivious to the entire concept. She had absolutely no idea what does it feel to be in pain. You could throw her in fire and expect her to walk out smiling. You could slap her like you want to kill her, but she'd still be friends with you and feed you when required.
I thought it made her life easier. I was reminded of all the times i have been in excruciating pain, which haven't been rare. I mean, just look at her! She could ram her bike into a wall, break about 148 bones in her body and still be alright! Nothing has made me more jealous than that.
But then, I read further and i realized, the poor girl had just a miserable life as everyone else. Her misery was different though.
Every morning she'd wake up in fear. What if she had scratched herself in the night? She'd not have known if she would have done something really really terribly painful to herself in sleep.
If she would jam her tiny toe to a bedpost, she might get a hairline fracture and not even know until the bone cracks open of some infection. She'd not realize if she has a cancerous lump in her body. All of that and more, because it doesn't pain. Nothing does.

That reminds me of someone.
However, then was when I realized that though painful, pain is necessary.

All of a sudden my masochism made sense. All of a sudden the desire to get hurt  did not seem insane anymore.
I've been searching for a way to make peace with the above for sometime. And I guess I found it.

Its weird how you love a few things and you know not why. Then comes the welcome breeze of change which might not give you a reason, but a justification. And for the want of logic, i choose to cling to the reason like a parasite.

Life did, for once, make sense, eh?

See you around.

Based on true dreams

I had thought I'd update a post on "Truth and the truth behind it". And if I'd get any other thing in my head, I would park it for later, because I wanted to complete that one. However, I forgot what that one was about and then I could not make my mind to believe that I got rid of that outstanding idea.

All of the above was an explanation as to why I have not been here.

Where have I been?
Around.

What have I been doing?
Coping up.

I have a very good plan. I have lived a life. Pretty good one. At each stage of life, I have trusted people, fallen in love, raised hopes, changed myself, pretended to be this or that. Loads of stuff. It has been a roller coaster all the way. The bad, the ugly, the filthy - seen it all.
Now there I was, once, when I lost a dream, I nurtured another one. It made me feel "cool" to be able to do that. I was in midst of a pretty bad crisis when each one of those dreams crashed, one by one. So I sat wondering "what next?". And I figured that each of the dream that I happily spake about revolved around people. Some behaving in a certain manner and some others approving of my behavior. Ironic, because I keep insisting that I should be most important in my life. (Which, by the way, never ends up happening)
That also resulted in the fact that I have constantly been trying to be appealing to someone or the other, to be someone who someone else can approve of - to the extent that I would eventually be so engrossed in the appealing bit that my initial motive was forgotten somehow. Tried a lot of times, failed a lot of times. It all resulted in the same garbage each time.
Now, I am on a mission to not please anyone. I'm not a pleasant person and people can live with it. I am done being someone who anyone should notice, care, be nice to. I was being someone else so that someone would care. I am done. Totally.
Now, I would not make any effort whatsoever to be anyone else. No effort to please anyone. What would be the result? If I dont make an effort to be seen, no one shall see me. No one would be effected by my existence. On the brighter side, I'd be able to be myself. Though no one shall know what am I like when I am being myself, probably not even me.

Never promised any sense, did I?

See ya around.

Walls and fault

What are walls?

Yeah, the ones we use to hide behind calamities, unforeseen stuff, etc. There are two types of them. The ones that others make and we pay them through our nose for them. The other ones, are fee of cost (at least in any currency) and are more interesting than the former.

So then, why do people make walls around themselves?

For a variety of reasons. Primarily all walls are to protect them from others. So that no one can breach the personal space, no one can know what really is in the mind, no one can hurt without permission. Though most times, the walls exist not to be not broken, but to see who will make the effort to break in, who would wish to make an effort to be able to get in the walls, to be able to hurt mercilessly. Though it involves being hurt, it not always is hurtful. The hurt eventually does give way to a certain peace. The peace involving nothing. But that is the name which can be chosen to give to the fact that nothing is left. Or whatever, it just is an evidence of the fact that its a human being surrounded by those walls which once were broken, which once did not serve their purpose and which are just as imperfect as everything else.

However, there are this other kinds of walls, the walls which are spread about 10 feet across the bearer. Every time anyone would take a step closer, the bearer would step behind, take every possible means to avoid any breach. The walls get stronger and thicker at each attempt of break-in. If someone does, at any momentary lapse of judgement and reason, step inside the walls, the bearer treats the intruder like white blood cells would treat an infection. Those walls are invulnerable, and thus, the invading party would be left, avoided like a disease.

Why, no one can fathom.

What happens when such walled people commit mistakes, mistakes of any regard, is hilarious. Mistakes make one vulnerable. They expose one to judgement and disgrace. It is the one vice no wall can hide. They run, they scream, they go into a panic attack, do whatever they can to avoid everything. Ever notice what a snake feels when its skinning? That is exactly what they feel like.

Also, when one commits a mistake to such a person, it flatters them. Nothing feels better than the feel that nothing can hurt. And how do you know they feel like a winner? When you hear "It's not your fault". What it really means is that it so hell is your fault, but well, they choose to not let you know. They choose to not let you have the power to hurt.

Why are we humans so fragile and vain, I wonder!

Anyways,

see ya around

How to deal with issues

I am the last person who should be writing a "How to" on dealing with issues. Reason being I have plenty of them myself. I have been so occupied with issues all the time that i have never been able to find time out of them in order to be able to live.
However, I dont understand why people around me, when faced with issues, leave them behind and run away.
I mean I have issues too. And how much so ever I tell myself i will give up, I have never been able to. Whatever I choose, I stick to it. Even if the choice would lead me to ruin. But why would the other more sorted individuals just flee at the sight of any problem?
For example, if a certain woman gets married and cannot settle with th fa,ily of her spouse, is she not supposed to talk her life out of the situation?
Or, if a certain another woman wishes out of her life, she should try and calm herself down and not create a havoc in everyone else's life.
If a certain woman thinks her sister doesn't love her anymore, she should either try to be more lovable and not not let the other sister love anyone else
If you fail in love, you dont quit your family, you dont cry yourself to tears all night, you dont begin feeling like the world has come to an end.
But then why do all these retards not understand.
The very same people who believe I'm insane.
If I am insane, what is wrong with you?
I generally do no believe in publice opinion. The Bible was written by the same folks who said that the earth is flat. So I should not be the one generalising everyone into the same bracket of people who fail in solving their issues. I am certain there are other people who do get along well with their issues; are on good / friendly terms and at times are even successful in parking them for a bit if not solving them completely. I have never come across such people though. But I hope that such species does exist.

As far as I am concerned, I firmly believe that I suck at solving problems. I have never been able to solve anything. However, I have tried. Failed miserably, multiple times. But tried. I doubt if that is something to be proud of. I mean there hasn't been any remarkable feat that I have achieved in the process. I have cried and wailed like a baby each time I have failed, sometimes I have even crossed all limits and sulked for years together. But I think that approach is way better than not even making an attempt and going weak in the knees every time confronted by anything.
I am certain my approach is not the best either.There has to be a little balance required. Sometimes, you just have to give up. As they say (yes, my favourite "they" - the random, the invalid, the imaginary "they") "Winners never quit, quitters never win, but those who never quit and never win are fools."

People, please, I request, please try and solve your issues. And start from planning to sort them in your head.

Anyways,

See ya around

Hospital diaries

I have been to a hospital plenty of times. Mostly as the patient. I firmly believe it is a good thing to be the patient most of the times. The attendant has a terrible experience. The visitors are mostly faker than silicon.
So there I was yesterday, in a hospital. To visit someone. Someone important.
Its unnerving how its not your fault but you still cant help feeling downtrodden guilty about whatever is happening. Unnecessary, but inevitable.
The guilt could have almost killed me and so would have the backache. So I sat down. It helped to keep me grounded.
But then I was wishing that I was the patient again this time. Because when you are the patient, you have plenty to think about otherwise. Or if not that, then you are in sufficient pain to take care of your brain for a while.
But that, my dear, was not to be. I was the visitor. So I was jobless. And while I sat there, all I could do was nothing. So the stupid wheels of my brain started churning and irritating me.
Thats something my brain does to me all the time. It begins to think all the prepostorous stuff at the wrong time. Yesterday being one of the wrong times. As I sat there, and I saw the feet of all the people passing, those colorful socks, those filthy toes, I could hear footsteps, even when there weren't any. Footsteps of the unseen, unbelieved. Footsteps of what would level me to something tantamount to nothing.
I could sense something approach me and flee.
I know what it was. It was immense fear. Fear of a calamity. Fear of something that would strike me and leave a mark, a bruise that would refuse to heal.
Oh! How I detest that!
I hate the idea of being so vulnerable, so easily affected.

I wish for a state where I can stay calm, unmoved and unaffected by everything..
Fear no more the lightning-flash,
  Nor the all-dreaded thunder-stone;
Fear not slander, censure rash;
  Thou hast finish'd joy and moan:

I sat there till till I could not stand it anymore. And I walked away. Without a word. I don't remember nothing of the last night. I can't even recall if I did really meet the patient or not. All that I remember is the footsteps. And another thing,

while walking out, I saw a board that read "Department of Psychiatry", for an unexplained reason, (or so I'd choose to assume) I smiled.

Anyways, 

See ya around.

Books.. and us.

Another one of the posts that I found typed in a notepad in a hidden folder..
Why women should not read books:

Hey.. I am going to be thrown in some village for work very soon. I shall not be able to update the blog regularly (which I dont anyways)

However, that is not the point.

The point I wish to make today is regarding love. *blush* :P

Women are very sensitive people. I know that, obviously.
Women take things pretty seriously. Even the ones that we shouldn't.
Thus, books are the biggest polluting devices in the history of mankind for our timid, tiny little hearts and minds.

Now, look at Desdemona. What was her fault?
She loved a little too much. She was extremely beautiful. She was honest, contrary to the opinion of her beloved, Othello. If I were Othello, I would have quit all politics and war and quests for whatever Othello was involved in and sat besides Desdemona and appreciate her love. That would have also eliminated all possibilities of her cheating on me anyways. That would have been simple logic and could have potentially avoided many deaths and a lot of bloodshed. However, that was not to be. Othello was a man. Devoid of all logic, like any other man.

Change genres, shall we? Lets switch to Charles Dickens instead of William Shakespeare.

Everyone has read / heard of David Copperfield.
If I consider all the lady characters of the story, I cant help but fret and fume. Following is a glimpse of their romantic lives: (in the order of my memory)
Dora Spenlow - David's first (child) wife. What did she derive of her love? Responsibilities she could not endure.
Clara Copperfield - A miserable death and endless mourning.
Mrs. Trotwood - I dont even remember her well. But I am certain of her depressing life by dint of her depressing character and ways
Rosa Dartle - Wait! Did she even have a life other than being a helping hand at the Steerforth's?
Agnes Wickfield - A depressing young lady who gets kissed by the guy who calls her "Sister of my boyhood". Considering that was the same guy who she silently loved throughout her life, it is but natural for any reader to get disgusted by the entire idea of love.
Clara Peggotty - The kind, loving nanny of David who marries Barkis for love. All happiness she ever got in her life was to hear from him "Barkis is willing" on his deathbed. Gross - if you ask me.
And of course Emily - "Untill he brings me back a lady" - Dear Emily could not accept the fact that Steerforth did not love her like a lady but as an object of usage.

There can be millions of examples
Like Jo in Little Women, Mercedes in The Count of Monte Cristo, or anyone else in saoe story ideas. Pick any lady from any play of Shakespeare, or of Oscar Wilde. I am certain no one would want that life.

Unless, of course, if one would want to pick some romantic novel, Eric Seigal or Mills and Boons. However, that is an inhuman form of setting expectations. You read those. You believe your knight in shining armour shall rescue you everytime you are in distress. However, most times the very knight is the source of or a mere spectator to all distress.

What is then, the point of it all?

Why? Would it not be convenient for women (and at most times, men too) if we just did not read books?

See ya around.