Charms!

I have been working (read thinking of working) on "The victim" forever. It's a story, half-self-inspired, half-cooked-up for gloom. I intend to write it someday.

It is a depressing story of a woman.

However, I don't think I'll be able to complete it whole-heartedly. Let me tell you why:

I was once telling Ateet about "The victim". He was most astonished / moved by the part where Maya, my protagonist, would believe in what are her charms. By charms I mean the good / bad luck charms. for ex.:

> An empty seat in the bus would mean that he would not beat her up today
> A smile on the way back home would mean that he would not hit her face
> The sight of a dead dog, AH! she'll have to cover her scars the next day
> Appreciation at office would mean he'll hit her in the stomach
> Someone wearing white on the way means he'll definitely like the food today

Weird, how none of the above needed to be true in the near future for her to believe them. She would continue clinging to the ray of hope for certainty. For till she reached what she could call home, she knew what was to happen to her that day. That would give her a sense of peace. Like I said, it wasn't true. But that was the best she could have.

Ateet was worried when he heard about this. He opined that it is most disturbing when someone relies on such trivia for source of hope. And even more, when the belief is unstirred after proven wrong. He was true.
Now, look at Maya, shall we? What would she have done without these charms? What would have she for comfort on the long way back home other than fear?

I was bummed that Ateet found it depressing. I wasn't being innovative in the truest form of the term. Yet, I wished otherwise. Partly also because, it was one of the parts of Maya that I chose to develop from self experience.

Anyway, see ya around.

The plan, the escape, the jailbreak..

I had this plan, long ago, that I will leave whatever I have one day and go missing, to the knowledge of nobody. And then the part of my masterplan was to live a totally new life with a new identity. But that, my friend, was long ago. I was a child. I hadn't an idea of a passport or other such living proofs. Sipping martini in Bahamas without a past is not an easy task.

So I had parked it aside, the idea. And then, life happened. Several times.
I realized I could not live this anymore. So I wanted to execute this worldly plan. And I knew I couldn't. "I wonder why the birds come back home when they can soar far and high. And then, I wonder why do I."

I had a home. I knew I'd come home no matter what. A home that I could count on. But, well, not anymore.The question is - what happened?

I hoped. It made me happy, lethally. I could feel alive. However, the inevitable had to happen. I could have given up long long ago, but I did not. I had a feeling, it will stay. I clung to it, to the best of my ability. And I saw it fall. I saw it slip away from my hands like dry sand. The walls of my home refuse to recognize me. I failed them, as I see it. Or vice versa.

There lies the wonderful answer: Hope is a dangerous thing. Once my hopes hit the gutter, I realize I can not stand it anymore. I can't stay amongst the same faces, breathing the same air, living like a volcano waiting to explode for the purpose of mass destruction.

Now I plan an escapado. It being a trial run of the giant masterplan. I shall go. I, for sure, can not change my identity yet. But I am certain, I'd change the way people perceive me. And more than that, I'll change the way I perceive myself. This is not what I want to see of myself as. This girl I see in the mirror, she ain't me. She is searching for happiness more than peace. Little does she know, happiness doesn't stay.

So precisely the point, I am escaping from happiness. Because, I am tired of almost finding happiness and then realizing I screwed it up.

Why am I blogging about it? Because I want to remember this. Probably would read this more frequently than ever, so that I can stay loyal to my voyage for peace.
Why am I running away? Because I suddenly realized that I was running for the wrong motive.
Is it worth it? Maybe not. But what can be worse than losing the track, the motive and to an extent, my soul.
Am I giving up? Well, it's better than fighting a lost battle.
Should I try some remodelling / minor changes? It's a drowning ship, and I have been jettisoned by my source already. (Probably being the most painful object, I was jettisoned even without the necessity of it)
Will I ever be happy? *Withering smile*

Anyway, see you around, till it lasts.

Away!

Rudraksh would always ask me why I look back on people while walking away and why would I always wait up to see people go, till I can see them no more.
There is a reason behind it. Allow me to elaborate:

When I was a child and would go to school, there was a tree that was my landmark. Every day on the way back from school, I'd just stare out the car window, not ready to believe I'm home until I saw that tree. It wasn't an ordinary tree mind you. It was the most remarkable and oldest tree around, almost like a sage in a sea of juvenile delinquents. I remember the green walkway through which I would get driven down to school everyday.The tree was the most important part of the drive. It was family.
And then, one fine day, the inevitable happened. The tree was struck by lightening in my absence. It almost felt like someone died on me. Like some aged ancestor who had promised to show me the way home everyday, had just given up and left me astray. I was hurt! It was a breach of trust.

Since then, I have known how it feels to have a bankable being disappear. There have been times when I wished I knew it was to happen. I wish I had some time to prepare myself for the absence. Not that the time would have changed the fact that the tree wasn't there anymore, but more like I wanted to know in advance.

Since then, I have believed it to be necessary to have a notice. I like to see it when people go away. It gives me an imaginary sense of truth in the fact that people can inform before they go. I like to turn back and see the people who matter are still there waiting for me. It gives me an imaginary feeling of triumph, the one that makes me feel important to them. I like to cling to every moment that I can because I know, one day, it won't be there.

Going away, is mandatory. But not pleasant. Hence, I like to procrastinate the bit where departures / closures come into existence.

On that note, see ya around.

Revisiting the past

Hey there,

Haven't met for a long time, have we?
Yeah, well, I was occupied.

I have written some stuff, but I shall be publishing them some other time. For now, here it goes:

I am back to another godforsaken nook of the planet, back to the grind, back to the place where fears haunt me the most, the riots trouble me the most, the voices get seen the most, the works!

This place always drives me to think. And thinking I was.

So here is what struck: What if someday, I wake up and I have nothing to do, nobody to look up to, nobody to talk to, like an absolute limbo?
One of the biggest fears of my life has been loneliness. What would I do?
Work, money, things, materials never made sense to me. People did. What would I not do to have someone around me. Someone to care. Someone to treat me important, to make me a person.

We pass by phases in life when we think nobody matters, nobody understands us, nobody can care for us the way we need - so on and so forth. But the truth is, how much so ever incomplete life is with someone, it's even worse without.
I always wanted to not be in a situation, when I don't have a purpose. People are my purpose. When I don't have one, maybe I'll be old, or not.Maybe I'll be able to support myself, or not. But does that matter? Don't think so.
I believe what does matter is the fact that there people around me would be the reason for which I would do whatever I do. Anytime. Appreciation or otherwise of people, their freedom or dependence matters and has mattered to all. Isn't that also why all that has happened has happened?

We all are vain. Trivia can make us do good, evil or nasty stuff, whence, ginormous matters might not even change anything. It's weird how to most people ensuring that their child smiles is more important than keeping their surroundings clean.

And lo! Here I am, dragged out of the common course of the people that I am used to, into this plethora of strange faces that fail to recognize me.
Are my fears materializing? In a way.
Am I scared? To my spine.
Am I going to do anything about it? Don't think so.
Shall I be at peace? Not any time soon. (That has another reason too, but that is another post)

Anyways, see ya around.

Pain, attachment et al

I was reading about a certain muscular disorder the other day. So there was this girl, who had a peculiar tissue-issue in her muscles and could not feel pain.
Interesting and tempting as it is, she was completely oblivious to the entire concept. She had absolutely no idea what does it feel to be in pain. You could throw her in fire and expect her to walk out smiling. You could slap her like you want to kill her, but she'd still be friends with you and feed you when required.
I thought it made her life easier. I was reminded of all the times i have been in excruciating pain, which haven't been rare. I mean, just look at her! She could ram her bike into a wall, break about 148 bones in her body and still be alright! Nothing has made me more jealous than that.
But then, I read further and i realized, the poor girl had just a miserable life as everyone else. Her misery was different though.
Every morning she'd wake up in fear. What if she had scratched herself in the night? She'd not have known if she would have done something really really terribly painful to herself in sleep.
If she would jam her tiny toe to a bedpost, she might get a hairline fracture and not even know until the bone cracks open of some infection. She'd not realize if she has a cancerous lump in her body. All of that and more, because it doesn't pain. Nothing does.

That reminds me of someone.
However, then was when I realized that though painful, pain is necessary.

All of a sudden my masochism made sense. All of a sudden the desire to get hurt  did not seem insane anymore.
I've been searching for a way to make peace with the above for sometime. And I guess I found it.

Its weird how you love a few things and you know not why. Then comes the welcome breeze of change which might not give you a reason, but a justification. And for the want of logic, i choose to cling to the reason like a parasite.

Life did, for once, make sense, eh?

See you around.

Based on true dreams

I had thought I'd update a post on "Truth and the truth behind it". And if I'd get any other thing in my head, I would park it for later, because I wanted to complete that one. However, I forgot what that one was about and then I could not make my mind to believe that I got rid of that outstanding idea.

All of the above was an explanation as to why I have not been here.

Where have I been?
Around.

What have I been doing?
Coping up.

I have a very good plan. I have lived a life. Pretty good one. At each stage of life, I have trusted people, fallen in love, raised hopes, changed myself, pretended to be this or that. Loads of stuff. It has been a roller coaster all the way. The bad, the ugly, the filthy - seen it all.
Now there I was, once, when I lost a dream, I nurtured another one. It made me feel "cool" to be able to do that. I was in midst of a pretty bad crisis when each one of those dreams crashed, one by one. So I sat wondering "what next?". And I figured that each of the dream that I happily spake about revolved around people. Some behaving in a certain manner and some others approving of my behavior. Ironic, because I keep insisting that I should be most important in my life. (Which, by the way, never ends up happening)
That also resulted in the fact that I have constantly been trying to be appealing to someone or the other, to be someone who someone else can approve of - to the extent that I would eventually be so engrossed in the appealing bit that my initial motive was forgotten somehow. Tried a lot of times, failed a lot of times. It all resulted in the same garbage each time.
Now, I am on a mission to not please anyone. I'm not a pleasant person and people can live with it. I am done being someone who anyone should notice, care, be nice to. I was being someone else so that someone would care. I am done. Totally.
Now, I would not make any effort whatsoever to be anyone else. No effort to please anyone. What would be the result? If I dont make an effort to be seen, no one shall see me. No one would be effected by my existence. On the brighter side, I'd be able to be myself. Though no one shall know what am I like when I am being myself, probably not even me.

Never promised any sense, did I?

See ya around.

Walls and fault

What are walls?

Yeah, the ones we use to hide behind calamities, unforeseen stuff, etc. There are two types of them. The ones that others make and we pay them through our nose for them. The other ones, are fee of cost (at least in any currency) and are more interesting than the former.

So then, why do people make walls around themselves?

For a variety of reasons. Primarily all walls are to protect them from others. So that no one can breach the personal space, no one can know what really is in the mind, no one can hurt without permission. Though most times, the walls exist not to be not broken, but to see who will make the effort to break in, who would wish to make an effort to be able to get in the walls, to be able to hurt mercilessly. Though it involves being hurt, it not always is hurtful. The hurt eventually does give way to a certain peace. The peace involving nothing. But that is the name which can be chosen to give to the fact that nothing is left. Or whatever, it just is an evidence of the fact that its a human being surrounded by those walls which once were broken, which once did not serve their purpose and which are just as imperfect as everything else.

However, there are this other kinds of walls, the walls which are spread about 10 feet across the bearer. Every time anyone would take a step closer, the bearer would step behind, take every possible means to avoid any breach. The walls get stronger and thicker at each attempt of break-in. If someone does, at any momentary lapse of judgement and reason, step inside the walls, the bearer treats the intruder like white blood cells would treat an infection. Those walls are invulnerable, and thus, the invading party would be left, avoided like a disease.

Why, no one can fathom.

What happens when such walled people commit mistakes, mistakes of any regard, is hilarious. Mistakes make one vulnerable. They expose one to judgement and disgrace. It is the one vice no wall can hide. They run, they scream, they go into a panic attack, do whatever they can to avoid everything. Ever notice what a snake feels when its skinning? That is exactly what they feel like.

Also, when one commits a mistake to such a person, it flatters them. Nothing feels better than the feel that nothing can hurt. And how do you know they feel like a winner? When you hear "It's not your fault". What it really means is that it so hell is your fault, but well, they choose to not let you know. They choose to not let you have the power to hurt.

Why are we humans so fragile and vain, I wonder!

Anyways,

see ya around