Shadow

Apeksha would wake up in the middle of several nights with a startled expression. She could not get over her parents' divorce. Apeksha always knew that her parents had a troubled marriage. But she thought that her parents would stay together, only for her, if nothing else.

She loved her father more than her mother. And she would publicly accept that. But her father lost his job during recent bulk lay-offs at his company and he was a little "different". He wasn't fond of people and socializing. Post loss of employment, he lost the Apeksha's custody as well. Apeksha wasn't very happy with the way things turned out; but she had a very practical outlook in life and was content with living with her mother. Ironically, her mother would always say that Apeksha inherited her way of thinking from her father. She was practical, stout-mouthed and yet, very caring.

When she would think of it now, all that she could remember of her parents' married life was the fights. There were so many of them. The two of them did not have common working days. Since mother worked in hotels, she had even more work than normal on weekends and holidays. She always remembered father scorn once, "Only whores work on sundays." It wasn't just the odd working days. Her father would see her mother coming home very late nights with different people (men and women). He would always see her smile when she would get indoors. But the minute she would step foot in the house, the smile would disappear. Apeksha guessed that he would be infuriated by the fact that her mother could not be happy in the house as well; whereas her mother believed that he wanted her to not be happy anywhere. Now that she was on her summer vacation (about 3 months since the divorce), she had all the time in the world to act grown-up and think about the reasons why their marriage failed. But she would throw her hands in the air and almost convincingly tell herself that it wasn't her fault and no matter how much she thought of it, she won't be able to change a thing.

So she would go about her mundane life waiting for mother to come home, which would generally be very late in the night. During the days, she would clean the house of the all tens of ciggarette butts that her mother would have thrown all over the house during the previous night. Ketaki Amma, the maid would come for about an hour every day and they would eat lunch together while watching the television. She would have several conversations with Ketaki Amma, about how the younger generations do not understand the hardships that parents have to go through, or that her mother should get married to someone rich and famous, or that black makes women look thin, or anything else that caught their fancy at the minute. Though these conversations weren't fruitful, these were the only human touch in her life for days to come. She was 16, and yet she had managed to alienate all her friends. Her mother thought that it was a result of being the product of a failed marriage, but Apeksha knew that she wasn't fond of any of her friends anyway. She never told her mother so, as she was certain that someday, she would be able to use the guilt well.

After Ketaki Amma would have left during the day, Apeksha would be alone; but there would be times she felt a shadow, or something staring at her from outside the house. She was sure there wasn't anyone, but somehow, she wasn't able to convince herself. There would be days she would hear a faint cough or a clap as if the "shadow" wanted her to know that there was someone out there, staring at her. She wouldn't even dare to see in the direction. Having recently moved to the house, she did not know anyone in the vicinity. She did not want to scare her mother with vague fears, since her mother already had a lot of things to take care of. So she did not tell her anything. She did ask Ketaki Amma to check once. But she saw nothing / no one. Apeksha wasn't too sure of it, as Ketaki Amma would not even notice the spider webs on the ceiling, even when Apeksha would point in the direction. Ketaki Amma said, "Stop mocking me, you see for yourself if you want." But Ketaki Amma also reassured her that there haven't been any robberies in the neighborhood any time recently. She chuckled a bit after, reminding Apeksha that her grandfather's gun was placed in the Rack on the Drawing Room display and it may be of use someday. Apparently, Ketaki Amma helped mother renew the licence for the gun as well.

A few days later, Apeksha saw something she hadn't seen in a really long time. Her mother was in the kitchen, cooking. Before she could take a jibe at it, mother told her that Ketaki Amma wasn't coming over that day. Mother told her, almost disapprovingly, "Ketaki has fallen ill again, God knows what is it this time." During the day, Apeksha was watching the television alone like any other day. Suddenly, she heard something that seemed like footsteps. She told herself it was nothing, and that she was only creating things in her head because she had nothing else to do. She wanted to look in the direction of the noise, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to see someone there or not. She was afraid, obviously, but she was also amused by the idea that she had made up a fake stalker in her head. On a normal day, the "shadow" would disappear when Ketaki Amma would come; probably because she would then start to have something to do with her time. Today, however, much after the time that Ketaki Amma would generally come, she felt that the "shadow" did not leave. She tried to look in the direction, she did not do so fully, but she did get a feeling that she saw someone there. She was afraid that if she looked in the direction, and there was someone there, he may get courageous and approach her. But somehow, she still believed that it was just her imagination. She almost convinved herself to that effect.

As it started to get darker, she wasn't sure of what would she do. The noise of footsteps would appear from various places around the house. It seemed like the "shadow" was trying to see if someone else was at home. She wasn't sure of what would she do if some stranger did walk in to the house. She was just a little girl. But she thought of it a little more, and the fear reminded her of what her father. She knew that if he were around, everything will be alright. He would always provoke things which seemed insane, adventurous at best, but would always solve every problem. She knew her daddy wasn't nearby and she was scared of her mother more than the shadow. She dared not call her father to help. Tears rolled down her pale pink cheeks. It reminded her of the day when she first cried from the way to school because her parents would fight incessantly through the nights; though she told her father that she saw a ghost in her dream the previous night. Her father told her that he'll always be with her and around to scare all the ghosts away. His voice seemed so comforting, she was convinced that he'll take care of it all. It was a false assurance, when she thought of it now, but it did her a world of good. Her shadow took a step towards her house, she could see it move from afar. She was sure that her imagination was playing tricks with her and the only way she could calm her senses was the gun. She took the gun and she shot in the direction of the shadow. She never thought it would really fire a bullet, but it did. The sound of the bullet fire was deafening to her, her fingers trembled for a bit and she felt that her temples burst out of her head and move along with the bullet. She fell, nearly fainted for a few minutes. But then she rose and looked in the direction. She saw no one. The shadow was gone. 

She felt proud. She knew that her imagination had been cured. "Obvioulsy, gun shot triumps fear," she thought to herself. But she wouldn't stop grinning out of pride. It was a happy moment for her. Instead of crawling with the fear of the invalid, she solved her problem. She won't be able to tell this to her mother. But the next time she would meet her father, she decided to tell him. She could imagine his eyes glistening with awe over the fact that his little girl shot a bullet in air. Would he be proud more of the fact that she did it or would it be for the fact that she did it with her grandfather's gun, he who never believed that women were meant to be anything. She played some music and decided that she was hungry. Her mother was a terrible cook, so she decided to make herself some french fries. Her mother would pick some ketchup sachets from her hotel almost daily. They had a jar in which they would empty those sachets almost every weekend. No body ate ketchup in the house. But mother got those sachets with her nonetheless. Today, she decided she'll use some of them. The house filled itself with the smell of hot oil and a while after, she had freshly fried potato slices garnished with finely chopped spring oninon, a huge dollop of mayonnaise, strangely cut pieces of tomato and a lot of ketchup. She did feel the occassional fear of the unknown, but now she knew what she was capable of. She cleaned the house, watched a movie and waited for her mother. When she got bored, she changed the curtains in the house, ran the current ones in the washing machine, combed her hair and brushed every corner of the house to extract all signs of burnt tobacco, hair, dead insects and what not. Mother wasn't home even then. She was tired, but she did not want to sleep tonight without meeting mother.

It was almost 3:00 am, when finally, mother came home. She was a little drunk and her lipstick was smeared almost all across her face. She was very happy. She was amazed when she saw Apeksha was still awake. Apeksha ran into her arms the minute she stepped in, only to notice mother wasn't dressed in the same clothes that she was when she left home in the morning. Mother looked beautiful, except, of course, the smeared lipstick, the ruffled hair, the red eyes, the crumpled dress and the abominable smell of cigarrettes. Mother told her to stay away but, she soon realized, she won't be able to get Apeksha to go away without a bear hug. She gave her that and they went to sleep.

The next morning, by the time Apesha woke, mother had already left for her day. Ketaki Amma did not come to work for almost an entire week, but Apeksha did not have any trouble in the house. She was happy, she was confident and she was proud. Mother had started to come home early and she would bring along a colleague. He would have dinner with them almost every day and them both would smoke a lot of cigarrettes together. Apeksha did not like him. Mother knew that she did not. Mother told her that she did not have to like him as he would soon be gone. Apeksha did not understand what that meant. But as long as she knew she did not have to tolerate the person for a long time, she could bear it.

One day, mother came back home early, much earlier than her recent timings. She came back alone and her face looked like she had seen a ghost. She ran into the house held Apeksha very tight and cried her eyes out. Apeksha couldn't understand a thing of what she said, but she her mother mention father's name a lot.After mother was somewhat done crying, Apeksha asked her what happened.

"Your father is dead. His body was found rotting not far from here, this very room. He was shot in his heart by a single bullet. They say he's been dead for days. He was probably coming to meet you and he lost his way."

Chalk line

It was 2007, Kaayra was in love with Anay. In a lot of ways Anay was too. But he was reluctant to be in a relationship with her, given his past. Anay had had his previous "one true love" leave him; without a notice, a reason, a lie, anything. Anay was probably not ready and despite everything, he was not completely out of love with her. And then, one fine day, Kaayra couldn't stand it anymore and told him that she wasn't leaving him, no matter what. She told him that the only way she would leave is when all that is left of him is a chalk line drawn in his shape on any floor. Guess Anay got swept off his feet by that statement.


Today, after years of a some-what happy marriage and 2 beautiful children, her words came true. All that was left of Anay was a chalk line on the floor in his shape. They couldn't find who did this to him. As she was already aware, the house was swept clean and absolutely no evidences were found of anyone else being there. She had just returned from the girls' boarding school. He had some work which wouldn't let him come along. She vaguely remembered the argument. She was complaining that he wasn't highly dedicated to the family. His work, his friends, everything else always got priority over the family. He did not deny that. But he just made his face, the one that he always made that made Kaayra feel that it was really her fault, because she was the one who wanted this family. This had happened several times before as well. Anay never really said these words. But Kaayra knew that he thought it and he did so each time the famiy unit hit a blotch. But was that really the thing to think about, the people said that Anay had been dead for all the days that Kaayra wasn't even there at home. She was left wishing she had pressed a little more instead of just giving up. Anay always agreed to everything she said, once she pestered enough.


She started to think of all the history that they had shared together. How they started as friends and how she saw him fall for that girl. He never really told Kaayra her name. But he was the happiest in days and each day that passed with him in love, she couldn't stop wishing that it was her who could make Anay even half as happy as this other girl. And then she left. Whence Kaayra thought it was a good thing, one look at Anay was enough to make her feel that nothing else could have been more devastating. But things seemigly got better with time. It took 3 years to get partially better, but they did get better afterall. Anay always knew what Kaayra felt for him, but he refused to acknowledge it, just to avoid the conflict. But Kayra did what she did and they decided to get together. A lot of times then (and also during the several years that they lived together), Kaayra felt the shadow of his past hovering his thoughts. She felt that though he was with her, he never really was with her. That girl took a significant part of Anay with her. Kaayra found it to be silly. How a single person could effect Anay so much, she often wondered. But then she saw herself and realized that Anay had the same effect on her.


She tried to ignore it, the alleged effect, initially. But it was something she couldn't ignore after a point in time. It was almost as if he was never really dedicated to her. He was a good husband. But as a companion, it never seemed like he was interested in how her days were, what made her glow with happiness or the petty things that infuriated her. Long before she happened, Kaayra thought that it was probably how he was. He wouldn't be able to make himself care for another person the way she cared for him. But then, she did happen. Kaayra noticed the difference. Anay was intereseted in petty details, just not Kaayra's. There were a lot of time Kaayra found herself pining to be a person who she hadn't met, not even knew the name of. Anay, to her, was everything Kaayra wanted him to be for herself. And suddenly, Anay wasn't there at all. For anyone.


Kaayra suddenly noticed that she was still at the same main door that she opened once she reached home. She had landed from the flight and tried calling Anay for about 15 minutes before boarding a cab of her own. She was already a little angry that the girls did not get to see their father. What's more, he did not even call them for the three days that she was there. And then, he did not show up to pick her up either. And his phone was switched off. By the time she reached home, she was certain she'll address "the elephant in the room", as Anay would mockingly call all everything. She opened the door and saw him drawn on the floor, as a chalk line. There were several people as well. Neighbors told her that they called the authorities when a dog kept barking at the house (a day after she had gone). The people came and opened the door and had been trying to reach her for the past two days. No one had seen anything or even heard noises. Kaayra was motionless for a really long time.


She then ran out of the house, in the middle of the road, tears exploded with wails and cries. A moment later, she realized that she had been such a terrible mother all this while. The girls did not cross her mind thus far. How will she tell them that he was gone! It was their father. What will they do now? How will this change the family? Will they be able to tell the difference?


She also wondered if they will ever be able to understand why she did it. But she thought it best not to tell anyone, not even them.

It and the other

Janaki had a life many would envy, or so they thought. She was thirty-eight years old, but a look at her and you wouldn't believe she is a day older than twenty-five. She did not have any children, none her own anyway, but a fulfilled and prosperous married life. Apoorv and she still had the spark, every time they looked into each others' eyes, even after so many many years of being married.

"He's very successful," they said, "too successful to stay loyal to one". "He's already been in many relationships, he wouldn't know how to handle just one." They said. But Janaki was too smitten to hear any of it. She still was.


Their's was a story right out of a fairy tale. Apoorv was struggling through a bad divorce. He had a son. Ironically, neither the ex-wife nor he wanted custody of the child. It was a complicated story.There were times, several of them, when Janaki and Apoorv would sit over coffee and have a hearty laugh over it all. It was during this time that Janaki had met Apoorv; his book had just been published. She had read his works and went to one of those book signing events that the publishers had organised. The first time they saw each other, Janaki knew that she will melt in his arms, and Apoorv found what he was always looking for, all these days.


They met several times thereafter and enjoyed every moment spent together. Getting married seemed like the obvious progression. But Janaki's parents weren't very happy about this alliance. No set of parents would welcome their daughter getting married to a divorced father of one, more than a decade older than her. But Janaki was in love. She tried to explain at first, not too hard, though. To her, her father wasn't the best husband and her step-mother never fit into her mother's shoes. To her, Apoorv was the solace she needed, the only missing puzzle piece. It wasn't a question, it was a statement. SO she walked out of her house. And thus, they were married. Janaki never reconciled with her parents, did not even make a frail attempt. If she ever listed the things that she would have done differently, this wouldn't even make it to the list. Yes. She was that happy, at least until a little while ago.
It was not just the fact that they loved each other. They understood, shared the same sense of wicked humour, saw everything in multiple lights, liked the same misadventures, movies, songs, the works! Every day became more comfortable than the last. There would be days when they would escape the grotesque mansion and go miles away into the wild; just to stare at stars in the night, hold hands, rejuvenate the undying love.


It wasn't very long ago that they started having his ex-wife and son visit them. Apoorv wasn't very fond of either. But Janaki wanted to have their company. She knew that she probably would never want to have her own children. But she wanted to be around Apoorv's son. "It is one of those ageing woman things," she told Apoorv. Guess that was all that she could think of. And Apoorv would never deny her anything. More so, of late, he would agree with anything Janaki ever asked for. It wasn't much of a debate, one would think.


So there they were, one fine day, Apoorv wasn't at home, but Vaidehi and Kannan were. Every day that they would come over, Apoorv wouldn't be at home. Janaki would have begun to feel that he was avoiding them on purpose; but she knew that work had kept Apoorv away from home a little too frequently in the near past. She wasn't really the one to complain.


"Why isn't he at home ever?" Vaidehi asked, "Why do I not get to see him unless he wants something of me? Oh! This reminds me of good old times." She laughed hysterically.
Janaki tried to cut her laugh short; half out of the courtesy of conversation, but primarily because her laugh was scary, "He's out for work, he should be back soon."
Vaidehi wasn't even convinced, "What work, don't you wonder? He is supposed to be a writer. Can't he write anywhere? He hasn't published anything in what 6 years now! Trust my word honey, he's not the one you trust this blindly. I did it once. Look where it got me."


Kannan interrupted the conversation (much to Janaki's relief), he wanted to play on Daddy's laptop. Though Janaki believed that she would enjoy Kannan's company, he wasn't really an ideal son. She dismissed it with a thought that probably all kids this age would be similar. But the more she got exposed to the pleasure of the company of Apoorv's ex-family, the more she understood why Apoorv couldn't live with them. She laughed a little within, as she realised how amused would Apoorv be if she told him thusly. While Janaki was rummaging through these thoughts, Kannan had already unlocked his father's laptop and was ransacking each and every possible nook to find something that could entertain him. The laptop chimed. It was an email. Kannan ran to his mother. "Maa, is it spelt t o n i te or t o n i g h t?", he asked. "Why do I pay your school if I have to answer these questions? Why are you asking anyway?" she wasn't pleased.


Kannan screamed "But this e-mail daddy got reads "tonight" and it is not even a full sentence." Janaki became a little curious. She went over to the laptop to see what was it that drew a smirk on Vaidehi's face. Apoorv's publisher (who had last published for him about 7 years ago) had messaged him "Tonight". It was almost the same time that Apoorv called Janaki to tell her that he shall not be home for the night. Janaki wasn't too sure if this was a cause for an alarm, but she remembered the publisher. She was one of the most beautiful women Janaki had ever met and she also remembered her flirting a little with Apoorv the last time they saw her.


Janaki sat there, maintaining her calm and poise, apparently dismissing all of Vaidehi's unsaid allegations. But, the smirk on Vaidehi's face just won't dissolve. Janaki always believed that she wasn't a very violent person. But the smirk was making her tempestuous. She secretly and violently killed Vaidehi in her head multiple times. Nothing would taint her trust in Apoorv. She she full well knew. But the smirk was making it difficult every passing minute. When they rose to leave, Janaki was a little satifsfied.

She knew all of Apoorv's passwords. But she never used them to check up on him. She was curious today, though. So she went through his emails. Apparently, Apoorv was having an affair with the publisher since even before they met. Janaki did not even want to figure out why Apoorv married her. There was a silver lining, amidst all this. Apoorv ended things with her not very long ago. He even wrote to her in one of the mails, "Janaki can't make me half as happy as you do, but I owe her some loyalty." She couldn't believe her eyes. All of these years, while she thought that Apoorv was at peace with her, he was only too bored to talk. From what little she could gather, her love to him was just a nest to get back to after all the soaring of the daylight. Because, he always knew that it is not going anywhere.


She couldn't figure what should she be more furious about, the fact that she was cheated on, or that Apoorv made it so easy for her to find out, or that she did not find it out despite the former, or that he just assumed that Janaki won't go anywhere. It all made sense to her. Apoorv was a little too happy of late. It did seem fake to her earlier. But, she never worried herself. Apoorv always let Janaki have her way with everything these days. She should have known that he was compensating for something. But, she never worried herself. Apoorv never seemed to get bored even of the most mundane things. But she never worried herself.


Everything happened right before her blind eyes. Yet, she never worried herself. That was probably the reason. She never worried herself. She never thought that there can be another side to this fairy tale-sort of a life. For more than a minute, she had no idea of what to do. In a sudden fit of anger, she wrote a nasty email to Apoorv. She wrote how she read about the affair and that she could never make him happy, not enough anyway. She also ranted a bit about how he broke up with the mistress but he was reuniting with her today because Janaki wasn't enough for him. She was a little glad when she finished writing the email. A sense of satisfaction overwhelmed her when she hit "Send", she knew she had done the right thing.


The next moment, she stormed out of what once was her home. She has decided on never coming back.With nowhere else to go, she sat by the edge of the bridge, by the sea. The sudden wind made her forget everything in a moment. She was back to being calm and decided to not think of Apoorv at all. Obviously, in a matter of minutes she started to think of what went wrong. While connecting the dots, as she was accumulating all her anger within herself; her phone rang. It was Apoorv. She thought she would give him a mindful and answered the phone, but words couldn't find a way out of her. Actually, Apoorv did not give her time to speak. He was a little excited, happy rather. He quickly blabberred that he was in love with Janaki and would give the world for her. He said that all his plans were cancelled and he'd spend the night at home. For some reason, he also told her that he'd spend his entire life with her, without regret. Janaki could not comprehend. To an astonished "What!" Apoorv replied that he was sorry for not being himself for the past few days. Things had gone wrong. He had made some poor decisions. But he had now decided to make every wrong right and correct everything that needs correction. And then some.


Janaki paused a little before finally summoning the courage to ask him if he had had the time to check his emails. Apoorv replied in the negative with a tone of surprise. But he cut her through. He asked her if she was home; without waiting for a reply told her to get dressed and they'd go out to a candle-light dinner and he'd play her violin at night. He also told her that he loved her and only her and she made him feel like himself. He hung up abruptly, but not without telling her that he will get her some lillies.


Janaki was aghast. Obviously he hadn't gotten to know what she had discovered. Clearly, he had decided against going back to the other. For a minute she thought it would have been so wonderful had she not found out. He'd have gotten back to being his normal self, the one that she never could have believed to have had any reason to mistrust. That is when it struck her.
She had nowhere to go now.

Obviously she couldn't go back to her parents and she was too old to start life afresh. She could go back "home". But to what end? Apoorv would now know what she found and he'd never be the same again, even if he wanted to. For some reason, her entire life was surrounded by a lie, but it was convenient. Today was probably the first day that she had done something impulsive in a really long time and yet she was regretting it in no time.


A lot of her life had suddenly fallen apart. Janaki wasn't very sure of what to do, she wasnt used to being thus. She rose, after what seemed like forever, to get back. Having known fully well, that she had ruined her family unit beyond repairs, each step foward seemed to get heavier. Unable to do it, she started walking backwards, which was so much more convenient, that she paced a lot more than she was comfortable with. Before she could realize, she had walked beyond the edge.


What she had on her face while she fell in the water was a smile of an escapist.