I like Denial.
I have been told I am in the denial mode perpetually. And there is a reason why I like it.
I was watching this episode of house the other day. It said that following are the five stages of death: Anger, denial, bargain, depression, acceptance. Pretty much applied to anything in life in general, I'd say.
Hey! Don't judge me, not yet, not just for this. There is a reason why I like denial. And obviously, I'll explain here why..
I've been told that anger doesn't particularly help. Though, I'd beg to differ most often, but for the purpose of proving this point, let's say it doesn't. Me getting angry at others won't help me, neither would it change others. So I try not to get angry. Though, like a lot of other things, I do fail miserably at that attempt.
(If I might add, I do find anger therapeutic. It may not change the circumstances, events, environment or the perpetrator of misfortune. But it does help cleanse the frustration. Which, in a way, does help. However, I get too attached to thing, people, or my impression of these things, and people. And I do have a terribly hard time letting go. When I am angry, it is a sign of hope. Hope that things would change eventually or rather the imminent change is undone. The times that I don't get angry, well, that's when I pretend that I have given up. That, my friend, is me being a hypocrite. Trust me, every time I say that I have given up, I am only looking for a reassurance that I need not. I don't like being a hypocrite, so I attach insane amount of worldly logic to it; which, basically, is me trying to con myself into believing something that I don't intend to. Ever.)
Sigh! Random rants! Guess I am in that zone again.
Where were we?
Yeah, I try not to get angry, but I do. But it is pointless. Ergo, not helpful. Therefore, not the state one would want to be in. Not me, at least.
Stage 2: Since this is the conclusion (in a weird way, funny even). Let's park that for the last.
Stage 3: Bargain.
Ok. Here's the deal. Humans, whatever number of them that I do know, bargaining is lying. To who, is a matter of perspective. For instance, the subject of a few of my prose, was in love. Man! Was it adorable! He wrote letters, he did all the stupid things one wouldn't admit to doing otherwise. But then when it all went south, we would spend hours talking where I'd convince him that it still remains to be the best thing that ever happened to him and then there were times when I told him to let go and he'd convince himself and me that if this won't work, nothing ever shall. We were both right in our days. But the bargain, not only was it highly annoying, it was also wrong.
Primarily because we were both trying to accommodate the facts of the circumstances into the brackets of truth and myth alike. Both were trying to pretend to be wise. Both were trying to solve a situation, initially, but thereafter, both were only trying to prove oneself right. A petty thing called logic ceased to matter after a point of time.
To an extent bargaining may be constructive. But beyond a point, bargaining is an act of lying to oneself that what is not particularly your own can be clung to. It is, if nothing else, a way of pretending that if you scream something loudly enough and frequently enough, it'll become true.
Unfortunately enough, I have a pretty black - and - white impression of truth. If you need to convince anyone of your version of truth, it ain't worth it. Hence, not my favorite stage.
Stage 4: Depression
Though I keep saying things to the contrary pretty often, I am not particularly a depressing person. I listen to sad / painful music. Albeit some would even consider it soulful. I notice the sad in a situation before the glad. I, do, hold grudges against myself for trusting a few people, loving a few people and not letting go of things. Yes. Despite all of that. I am not a depressing person. When i come to think of it, I am but a child who's been forced to grow up in a world of haughty people who may not be grown up themselves, but insist that I should be. And naive that I am, under the peer pressure of needing to fit in and under the intense desire for acceptance / approval, I caved.
You know, I don't really expect much of people. I only need petty things to be happy. But I tell people that I am depressed, only so as to set the expectations low. Because, if they know that I can be happy, they will expect me to be the face of sunshine happy people are. And given the fact that I can get hurt just as easily as I can be happy, it becomes increasingly difficult to be what they expect you to be. (Yes! A lesson I learnt the hard way. You don't get it, eh? I am happy for you).
If you ask me, it is not fair to be depressed over anything. If it was to happen, it'd have. Such is life. But I guess, it'd be easier to sulk over something than it would be to get over it. So, let's just say it is a little pointless, shall we?
Stage 5: Acceptance.
Isn't this stage tantamount to conceding defeat? Accepting what you did not want to in the first place. How I can let myself stoop to this level! I am but a free spirit.
What I believe stands out about me or segregates me from the ordinary is that in a world of stones, I know that I am the glass. I tricked people for a while by being a mirror, but I guess that was such preposterous a try that I fell flat, probably even cracked myself a bit. But now, that I have resorted to being the glass, I am not allowing myself to accept anything. So this stage was never an option anyway.
There. We have dealt with all stages. All but one.
There was a movie I once saw. The girl said that she was lying to herself when she said that she had a happy life. But she was certain that she wanted to continue lying. Because that is the only way she can be happy. I was dumb at first. But when you think of it, it is deep.
I like that. I probably live a dream. But I'd rather not be woken up. I choose to live in the manner which pleases me the most. Not you, not anyone else. Me.
It is a little surprising how I can be that narcissistic. But that is something all humans are, at some level. So I am allowing myself this one little vice. It may be a lie. But I will cling to it if that is what it takes to be happy. A part of me tells me that it is unlike me. But there is this other part of me, that screams, why not!
Though one would wonder, if it really is happiness if you know it won't last for long. In my defense, one could also put forth an argument that no form of happiness, or even love, has - thus far - known to last long.
---------------------------------------------------------
One of those that I found unraveling when I ransacked my bag.
See you around!
I have been told I am in the denial mode perpetually. And there is a reason why I like it.
I was watching this episode of house the other day. It said that following are the five stages of death: Anger, denial, bargain, depression, acceptance. Pretty much applied to anything in life in general, I'd say.
Hey! Don't judge me, not yet, not just for this. There is a reason why I like denial. And obviously, I'll explain here why..
I've been told that anger doesn't particularly help. Though, I'd beg to differ most often, but for the purpose of proving this point, let's say it doesn't. Me getting angry at others won't help me, neither would it change others. So I try not to get angry. Though, like a lot of other things, I do fail miserably at that attempt.
(If I might add, I do find anger therapeutic. It may not change the circumstances, events, environment or the perpetrator of misfortune. But it does help cleanse the frustration. Which, in a way, does help. However, I get too attached to thing, people, or my impression of these things, and people. And I do have a terribly hard time letting go. When I am angry, it is a sign of hope. Hope that things would change eventually or rather the imminent change is undone. The times that I don't get angry, well, that's when I pretend that I have given up. That, my friend, is me being a hypocrite. Trust me, every time I say that I have given up, I am only looking for a reassurance that I need not. I don't like being a hypocrite, so I attach insane amount of worldly logic to it; which, basically, is me trying to con myself into believing something that I don't intend to. Ever.)
Sigh! Random rants! Guess I am in that zone again.
Where were we?
Yeah, I try not to get angry, but I do. But it is pointless. Ergo, not helpful. Therefore, not the state one would want to be in. Not me, at least.
Stage 2: Since this is the conclusion (in a weird way, funny even). Let's park that for the last.
Stage 3: Bargain.
Ok. Here's the deal. Humans, whatever number of them that I do know, bargaining is lying. To who, is a matter of perspective. For instance, the subject of a few of my prose, was in love. Man! Was it adorable! He wrote letters, he did all the stupid things one wouldn't admit to doing otherwise. But then when it all went south, we would spend hours talking where I'd convince him that it still remains to be the best thing that ever happened to him and then there were times when I told him to let go and he'd convince himself and me that if this won't work, nothing ever shall. We were both right in our days. But the bargain, not only was it highly annoying, it was also wrong.
Primarily because we were both trying to accommodate the facts of the circumstances into the brackets of truth and myth alike. Both were trying to pretend to be wise. Both were trying to solve a situation, initially, but thereafter, both were only trying to prove oneself right. A petty thing called logic ceased to matter after a point of time.
To an extent bargaining may be constructive. But beyond a point, bargaining is an act of lying to oneself that what is not particularly your own can be clung to. It is, if nothing else, a way of pretending that if you scream something loudly enough and frequently enough, it'll become true.
Unfortunately enough, I have a pretty black - and - white impression of truth. If you need to convince anyone of your version of truth, it ain't worth it. Hence, not my favorite stage.
Stage 4: Depression
Though I keep saying things to the contrary pretty often, I am not particularly a depressing person. I listen to sad / painful music. Albeit some would even consider it soulful. I notice the sad in a situation before the glad. I, do, hold grudges against myself for trusting a few people, loving a few people and not letting go of things. Yes. Despite all of that. I am not a depressing person. When i come to think of it, I am but a child who's been forced to grow up in a world of haughty people who may not be grown up themselves, but insist that I should be. And naive that I am, under the peer pressure of needing to fit in and under the intense desire for acceptance / approval, I caved.
You know, I don't really expect much of people. I only need petty things to be happy. But I tell people that I am depressed, only so as to set the expectations low. Because, if they know that I can be happy, they will expect me to be the face of sunshine happy people are. And given the fact that I can get hurt just as easily as I can be happy, it becomes increasingly difficult to be what they expect you to be. (Yes! A lesson I learnt the hard way. You don't get it, eh? I am happy for you).
If you ask me, it is not fair to be depressed over anything. If it was to happen, it'd have. Such is life. But I guess, it'd be easier to sulk over something than it would be to get over it. So, let's just say it is a little pointless, shall we?
Stage 5: Acceptance.
Isn't this stage tantamount to conceding defeat? Accepting what you did not want to in the first place. How I can let myself stoop to this level! I am but a free spirit.
What I believe stands out about me or segregates me from the ordinary is that in a world of stones, I know that I am the glass. I tricked people for a while by being a mirror, but I guess that was such preposterous a try that I fell flat, probably even cracked myself a bit. But now, that I have resorted to being the glass, I am not allowing myself to accept anything. So this stage was never an option anyway.
There. We have dealt with all stages. All but one.
There was a movie I once saw. The girl said that she was lying to herself when she said that she had a happy life. But she was certain that she wanted to continue lying. Because that is the only way she can be happy. I was dumb at first. But when you think of it, it is deep.
I like that. I probably live a dream. But I'd rather not be woken up. I choose to live in the manner which pleases me the most. Not you, not anyone else. Me.
It is a little surprising how I can be that narcissistic. But that is something all humans are, at some level. So I am allowing myself this one little vice. It may be a lie. But I will cling to it if that is what it takes to be happy. A part of me tells me that it is unlike me. But there is this other part of me, that screams, why not!
Though one would wonder, if it really is happiness if you know it won't last for long. In my defense, one could also put forth an argument that no form of happiness, or even love, has - thus far - known to last long.
---------------------------------------------------------
One of those that I found unraveling when I ransacked my bag.
See you around!
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