Bus Rides

yeah bus rides.. they are fun my bike is not doing well these days. the spark plug is screwed. i travel by public transport to office everyday. it may sound like a bad thing you know - to depend upon public transport after having the luxury of a lovely two wheeler to act like your dialysis.
However, its not all that terrible.
that too comes in phases - while i am waiting for the bus at the bus stop, everyday, i tell myself, "this is it! i am taking my 8693 to the mechanic today and getting this sorted once and for all. this is the last time." but then i board the bus and i sit quietly and peacefully (refer previous post for details about peace - rather the shortage of it) and just gaze. There is nothing pretty to gaze, but i always think i should get an insight.
Its a wonderful experience to see strangers everytime. The best part of it all. That's one reason why i love the small term memory that i have. i forget faces, people, names, everything. (of course, conditions apply). by doing that i dont have a reputation to stand up to. i do my best to be the one that i think should leave an impression on them. and that impression is my choice. obviously what they think is entirely different. judgements, my dear, are just as certain as death, birth and taxes. so i just let them judge me of what exactly they remember. but i can always be what i choose to be. works for me. and i guess for them too.
so here we are - thinking about strangers. humourously enough, once i met a girl with whom i spoke for around an hour through a traffic jam and while bidding adieu realised that she and i shared the same name (first and last) and the same birth date, and we live in the same locality for almost 5 years now. Yeah! Humanity!
Bizzarre as it was, it was fun.
Thats the way it works. I haven't met the woman since then. Not that her existence is a life changer, but that was a hell lot of co-incidence.
Moreover, whenever i dont want to communicate with anyone, i dont have to frown, fake or detach. Its ok. nobody expects anything out of me.
the most interesting part is, i can easily be ignored. and that is an event which i derive extreme pleasure from. its a good thing to be ignored like i dont even exist.
everyday while getting back from work, i get a lot of time to think and observe how unfair life is not just to me but also to the immensely populated section of society which i have no idea about. serves me good..
feel like i am not the only one.
dont know how and why. i dont know if its right. but then what is?
so i just do what i think i like.
i like to believe that this cruel thing called life doesn't happen only to me. i like to believe that i am not the only lonely wretch in town. i like to believe that those strangers who look happy and pleased with life are just faking so. i like to believe that i am not the devil's favorite one. i like to believe that i can survive everything, just like everyone else. i like to believe that someday, somehow - i'll feel that everything makes sense.
and bus rides, in their own unique way, help.

see ya.

On Peace

Peace of mind matters to me. Like a lot.
More than anything else. even sanity. Yeah, i know i cant be sane for nuts but i cant be peaceful how much so ever hard i try.
if you think i dont try, you are wrong. i try. very much.
but i never happen to get any peace.

you could think that i am chaotic because i am alone right now. but i am not. like i am not chaotic in the true sense of the term. neither am i lonely (like not lonlier than i otherwise am). on the contrary, i have company. someone to make me feel that i need to be taken care of. someone to feel that i matter. someone to make me think that i might just be worth it.
Dear reader, (if any - that is),
you might be wondering "oh yeah! BIG DEAL" all of us have someone to make us feel like-never-before all the time. But not me. i have had someone make me feel like-never-before all the time. but not in a pleasant way. i have had that sort of a feeling only in sheer dismal ways. everyone makes me feel some abominable, detestable, despicable animal all the time. but this is different. over here i refer to the nice, peaceful, pleasant way.

"Upon the stairs I saw a man, who wasn't there; who wasn't there the other day, I wished to god he'd go away."

why away - that's another story. LATER. maybe.

however, let me not drift away from the topic.

i use the word peace pretty loosely perhaps. peace could mean anything to me. it could mean the glorious pain in the way those huge drops of rain slap my face. it could mean the smell of freshly fried french fries with garlic-oregano-cheese dip. it could mean a casual walk along busy streets of mumbai (or even the marine drive). it could be a certain time when i play with words like a violin. even when i just lie on my bed wide awake - like maybe waiting for the ceiling to fall on me, or for some hunky dory lizard to crawl up the 12th floor and sing love songs, don't know what. but i am just wide awake at times. thinking nothing. OK - thinking nothing relevant. FINE - nothing that i want to reveal. Not right now at least.
Peace is a funny word i guess. Why does it even matter eventually? don't we all die and rest in peace? So, is peace synonymous to death? On hindsight - is peace synonymous only to death?
Maybe my question really is why has peace begun effecting me so much? It's been a while now that that happened. Years ago, when i was all excited and eager to face the world and began MY life. It began on a good note. It was good while it lasted. But now when i think of it i realise i've had enough of that. when you reach out to the world to grab as much as you can, you may or may not land up with pieces of the world (i was the latter). However, the more you reach out, the more parts of yourself you tend to loose. And it always begins with innocence - you always loose that first. Then the sparkle in your eyes that signifies the entire concept of the earnestness. Then the warmth, the fear, the inhibitions, reluctance. and before you realise, you are out of everything - everything that may seem to be so little when you have it but when you come to see it, THOSE little things are the very things that we seek in the other people who we prefer to keep close to us little realising that those people also might be searching for the same worldly possessions.
These losses that i talk so un-frugally about; these and the variety of others that follow, come with their own phases. Like those of chronic depression, angst, aloofness, mood-swings (and i dont mean only for women - these are not the phases of PMS), there are a lot of things that cant really be fathomed in all these times. a lot of time - valuable time, mind you- is spent on trying to figure things out and wonder what has exactly happened and why things are working that ways.
in totality, before you even realise, you have lost all time for peace.

when i try and find the peace that i once had, i ransacked every imaginable corner of my brain, hoping that peace might have been unknowingly tucked in some closet or brushed underneath some carpet or some place that i could not find. but well, i was -as usual- proved wrong. It was nowhere. wonder why? i wonder too, but i dont really get an answer.

have you ever prized something too much but have not even realised when you lost it? like maybe an i-pod that was with you before you boarded the 22:08 local but mysteriously dissappeared by the time you reached home safely? or did you ever meet the guy you could die for in school a few years after your acquaintance and failed to recognise him for say 20 minutes? at least did you ever wonder what it may make you feel like?

it'll make you feel like your favorite love song was actually written for a sandwich
or maybe like the radio jockey whose voice makes you swoon is actually a girl (astonishingly enough you could bet your life once on the fact that its a guy)
or maybe like a revelation of the fact that earth is actually a barren cube and aristotle was only making fun of us all this while

hmm- i assume now you know what i felt like. or at least, so i hope, you have a faint idea.
i felt cheated. i felt cheated by my own belief. like there was this thing which i always believed i had. all the time. i used to believe that its only human to adapt and change. but even while we evolve ourselves, we still are just as peaceful as ever. but i never bothered to check the fact.
now i wish i would have checked. today i am not at peace with myself. maybe that's the reason why it matters to me at all.
anyways, thats the way of life i presume. it makes omlettes out of brains - crack crack crack- whisk whisk whisk and splat. all is gone before you realise.

********** i have been writing this post for 2 days now. and i have this tendency to not know when to stop. so i am going to get lost now. and if you, my dear, wasted time in reading this one, i feel sorry for you. It didn't make senses. like not the post - but the idea of reading it and trying to comprehend it. :)

anyways,
see ya around.

i'm alright.

I've been alright in all these days,
so alright that its beginning to hurt now
how can i?
its unnerving to know that i have not been obnoxious to living all this while. i have clung to life like a parasite whereas am i not used to it. so the obvious question - where have i been all these days?
i am specifically mentioning the question for the male readers (if any) because a woman would easily ask this, but for a man its so easy to see/realise/feel everything but the obvious.
and for the answer to the question!
i had been home - like to a relative's place. and how i love being at relative's places for festivals. specially when i get bullied like cattle for being horizontally enhanced. yeah! whatever!
but then there were kids... three of them. lovable at that - two of them were still toddlers. and i like, actually i abso-freaking-lutely adore kids who dont talk except in their own language.
so i loved that part.

and then, there was a abnormality in life. there was this time when i felt annoyingly important. important to myself. i was angry at my hair because it generally falls straight and nice otherwise. but it was all grumpy and dull when i most wanted it to be straight and nice. i was feeling fat (not that i am thin otherwise, but a lot more because of the bullying shit.) i felt the abnormal urge to be pretty which is exasperating because i love the idea of being the ugly wretch generally. its actually fun to be the ugly wretch you know. but i didn't want to be that. i wanted to be something that i am entirely not. its a bad thing, they say.
OK! i know they dont particularly matter. but even then. they tend to matter if they are a work of my magnificient imagination. (hah! of course. what did you think? a certain 'they' walk up to me for some morose reason and whisper stuff like that in my ears? haha)
so, let me rephrase. i think its a bad thing to want to be something/someone i am not.
WHY?
do you think i know?
i have no idea why. but yet, its a bad thing. lets just keep it at that.

so what happened? you wondering..
had been to a nice place for my first vacation ever.
clicked a lot of pictures.
but vacationing is so not me. its just that all the roaming around that i have done has been a different exercise altogether. like either with family pretending to be all nice and cute and obidient and stuff like that or i have been out for the entire day with adriana and his friends, where i am the biker 'babe' who can crack sarcastic, brutal smart jokes at the very spur of any moment, who can tolerate anything and everything - even pain. so basically i am not me ever.

but when am i 'me' exactly?
thats a tough question. although i know the answer, but not now.

and i have had a startling discovery in these days. and i am astonished at the normalcy at which i am handling that too. i have been nourishing a broken dream for a while. i always like broken/shattered/smashed possessions. they never fade. not even their memories. like i once told my the then 'guy' - you'd never realise how much i care for you untill i am not there anymore. that held true. now that i am not there anymore, i have lost him again. i have had gotten so used to the pain of losing him (or so i thought) that i assumed it does not matter to me anymore. but now, when i think of it, it is not all that ok. but i am - like i said - alright.
annoyed - maybe
cheated - maybe
lonely - definately not
peaceful - i guess
happy - whatever
alright - obviously

chill ! women are difficult to interpret.

chuck it. the more you try to understand me, the more likely i am to change right after you get a bit of it.

as usual - see ya around!

Realisations..

Its been a while that i have been alive.. or so i'd like to believe.

After a lot of years of enduring this wholesome affair, i've had my realisations.

and a lot of them.

Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

and they say Shakespeare is difficult to understand. this is my belief. if this is difficult to believe/understand, nothing can be fathomed. i've realised in all this while that life is such a funny thing. even if you weren't born nobody would have realised you could have had existed. nothing, for that matter, matters.

look at the guy who invented the wheel.. who was he anyways! i feel the fellow who invented the other three wheels was the smarter ass.

i have realised that a lot of emotions- be it love, care, angst, for that matter even hunger- are only a development ordained by the phenomenal creatures who flock to form a society of consumer driven individuals. when you feel that you have begun to care about someone and that very someone cares for you too. LO! you might just be in for a surprise. what happens is actually a very realistically arranged concatenation of events which might not really mean that you would still be caring for the same people in the near future.

i have begun to realise that nothing essentially matters to the human mind. there are times that you believe that you'd never forget 'this'. but then, that 'this' becomes 'that something' soon enough. here. soon could be anything depending on the vitality of the event.

for that matter i even realised money, or even the scarcity of it, doesn't matter. today if you are poor, or not, either you are used to it already or you'd get used to it gradually. and also, whenever you get the money for primary sustainance or even plenty of it.. you'd feel that it was the most natural thing to happen. the mind is an amazing thing. it gets used to almost anything.

i've realised that whenever you need something, really really need something, the possibility of you getting it is inversely proportional to the amount of need/greed/desire you'd manage to gather for it.

i've also realised that if you really wish for something to work out, you'd be the one screwing it the most.

and i've realised that the most loving people are just the offsprings of the most wholesome unsatisfied bitches in town

and not forgetting the realisation that the ones who are good to everybody are good to nobody. not even themselves. which is why i am cruel, blunt as a spoon, crude and unapolegetic about being all this. :P

and then, there are a lot of things that i realised. but maybe some other time..

i am too drowsy now to delve into the details of anything else.

but then the most important lesson learnt was always the words that an imaginary someone once murmured to me in my sleep - whenever you screw up, just remember you weren't the only one to do so. life is just a very very painful ordeal and it won't last forever. make the mistakes that you always wanted to. you definitely won't get a second chance to make those mistakes and if you need a second chance, you don't deserve one.

to me nothing matters more than peace- of mind and otherwise.

well......... scared are we?

thats the way i prefer...

see ya around!

a new experience..

i have joined an office.. like i have begun working.. its been a while...
last time i checked... i was just 12 years of age..
but well... time flew by.... din't take me along...
so well, i manage to pretend to know how to behave in public. and gosh! i can safely assume that i'm good at it.
i still remember a certain Debajit/sheesh Dey once complimented me that i am to intelligent for my age (was 19 then)... sometimes i wonder if i was smart or if he was dumb... i guess the latter.. specially considering the fact that i don't even remember his first name. and then once a girl told me that i am the nicest person she has ever come accross (that was because i had helped her for no good reason)

oh well, drifting away from the topic, am i?

dragging myself back..
i am working in a certain remote area in rajasthan. its nice. like i love rajasthan when its green. nothing can supress the pleasure i derive from passing through fields of greens protected by walls of hospitable cactus. reminds me of ol' times.

however, this time i'm stuffed. yeah, apart from ageing.. that comes because of a lot of reasons.

there's solitude that i need to take care of. and its difficult. not that i'm not alone when i'm amongst people. but when i'm in my own world, people are used to me. i don't have to smile at every random face i think i spoke to 15 minutes ago (yeah, short term memory). i don't have to be nice when people ask me sweet ice-breakers like "where are you from?" (how i wish i could answer pluto to that one.)
ah! never mind.
crux of the matter.. i am alone here. and its good.... at times..
being alone hurts when ... well, sometimes.
i wonder why.. but my biggest fear of all times is the fear of dying a loner. Not that any amount of humanity can make life any less miserable.. but i need to talk.

anyways.. i've clicked pictures. i love to click pictures.

any random new thing that catches my attention needs to be on my camera(5mp is good enough.. not really.. but yeah! whatever..) because i would easily forget it later considering the sharp memory that i have.

so.. here i am.. when i was in a power plant for some work.. my peers wondered why was i smiling... little did they realise that i have grown up in a manufacturing company's vicinity.. so the humungous noise that the plant made reminded me of my "lovely" childhood *of course i was sarcastic, deal with it!*
its nice.
the pictures.. well..
i'd see which ones to upload and would be here soon.

the food here is miserable.. so that helps me discover the levels to which i can bear hunger and survive on dog-food.

FOOD! yess... the next post could be on food.. that'd be nice.

anyways.. i do a lot of donkey-work in here. so no point in even getting started about work.
i do intend to roam arouind a lot of places and collect memoirs.. but that might happen sometime.

so here.. it gives me a lot of time to introspect. at times i even get a feeling that i am not entirely unlivable with. manage to scrape through.. and quite well too.
guess it just is alright.
i used to always wish for the me-time.

i do get some of it now. but i dont know if this was what i wished for. but what i get is not bad either. tends to get wearisome at times. but a little frustration is good for the mind and soul. works as a check on goals and achievements. like a good exercise for the mind.

its not noisy at all. i like peace. but in here its as silent as a graveyard. welcoming for all the inner demons to creep up in my mind stealthily and devour all remains of sanity. THAT is what makes it a trying time. i have succumbed yet. but ravages of time "thou art worthy of thine shame"

hmmm.. so thats where we get. its not entirely unpleasant, though. i have my moments of pleasantries too. but those too come with a whole new set of questions about guilt, worth, longevity, trust and truth. its insane. but worth it! (or so i think)

di'nt get a shit of all of the above, did you?

well.. lots more to come.

now you know why my blogs have on 35 veiws approximately?

:D

that should be it for now..

take loads of care of yourself..

see you around..

PS.. i am not f**ked at punctuations. i dont respect myself enough to use 'I' and nothing else is worth the effort.

What's in a name?

This has to be my 'n'th first post...
Anyways.. Hellos to all new readers (Imaginary and otherwise)

Since this happens to be a first post.. I thought i'd do the introduction bit one more time.

And thus.. the title.. What's in a Name.. coming from me.. it has to make sense.. i live with a name which is the most common of all.. so i choose to rechristen myself all the time..

Ask my best friend.. he added me on Orkut(Yeah, the dead site... i am from those good ol' days when orkut was a rage... like the most IN thing) thinking that my name is Desdemona.. and he went "how can someone live with a name like that.." and lo! he added me... Haha! Fooled you!

But what the heck! Still managed to make like the most awesome friends with him.

Wait.. thats another story.. Later..

for now.. lets see introduction.... not of me.. but the blog.. what could you expect.. to read here..

hmmm.. you could read lots of crazy stuff... crazy is my middle name.. like i dont use my father's name... :D.. hah! what did you think..

you could even read my to do list... or even my long sad, depressing stories about myself or the days, or the people, or the places that i am in.. or the past.. or about feminism.. or about something interesting..

(i begin each blog with a certain idea and finally end up deleting the blog when i realise that it has only depressive crap about stuff that doesn't even matter)

so all in all.. the question remains unanswered.. regarding what could you expect.. i guess you could just let it be... wait and watch.. as the mystery unfolds...

oh! isn't that exactly the way i like?

yes it is.

so.. this is it..

i, as always, shall blog about thoughts and stuff that strikes my mind with lightening speed and then dissappears like thin air...

seems interesting..

now that i have a lot of time.. i'll update the next post..

see you around!