I've been alright in all these days,
so alright that its beginning to hurt now
how can i?
its unnerving to know that i have not been obnoxious to living all this while. i have clung to life like a parasite whereas am i not used to it. so the obvious question - where have i been all these days?
i am specifically mentioning the question for the male readers (if any) because a woman would easily ask this, but for a man its so easy to see/realise/feel everything but the obvious.
and for the answer to the question!
i had been home - like to a relative's place. and how i love being at relative's places for festivals. specially when i get bullied like cattle for being horizontally enhanced. yeah! whatever!
but then there were kids... three of them. lovable at that - two of them were still toddlers. and i like, actually i abso-freaking-lutely adore kids who dont talk except in their own language.
so i loved that part.
and then, there was a abnormality in life. there was this time when i felt annoyingly important. important to myself. i was angry at my hair because it generally falls straight and nice otherwise. but it was all grumpy and dull when i most wanted it to be straight and nice. i was feeling fat (not that i am thin otherwise, but a lot more because of the bullying shit.) i felt the abnormal urge to be pretty which is exasperating because i love the idea of being the ugly wretch generally. its actually fun to be the ugly wretch you know. but i didn't want to be that. i wanted to be something that i am entirely not. its a bad thing, they say.
OK! i know they dont particularly matter. but even then. they tend to matter if they are a work of my magnificient imagination. (hah! of course. what did you think? a certain 'they' walk up to me for some morose reason and whisper stuff like that in my ears? haha)
so, let me rephrase. i think its a bad thing to want to be something/someone i am not.
WHY?
do you think i know?
i have no idea why. but yet, its a bad thing. lets just keep it at that.
so what happened? you wondering..
had been to a nice place for my first vacation ever.
clicked a lot of pictures.
but vacationing is so not me. its just that all the roaming around that i have done has been a different exercise altogether. like either with family pretending to be all nice and cute and obidient and stuff like that or i have been out for the entire day with adriana and his friends, where i am the biker 'babe' who can crack sarcastic, brutal smart jokes at the very spur of any moment, who can tolerate anything and everything - even pain. so basically i am not me ever.
but when am i 'me' exactly?
thats a tough question. although i know the answer, but not now.
and i have had a startling discovery in these days. and i am astonished at the normalcy at which i am handling that too. i have been nourishing a broken dream for a while. i always like broken/shattered/smashed possessions. they never fade. not even their memories. like i once told my the then 'guy' - you'd never realise how much i care for you untill i am not there anymore. that held true. now that i am not there anymore, i have lost him again. i have had gotten so used to the pain of losing him (or so i thought) that i assumed it does not matter to me anymore. but now, when i think of it, it is not all that ok. but i am - like i said - alright.
annoyed - maybe
cheated - maybe
lonely - definately not
peaceful - i guess
happy - whatever
alright - obviously
chill ! women are difficult to interpret.
chuck it. the more you try to understand me, the more likely i am to change right after you get a bit of it.
as usual - see ya around!
so alright that its beginning to hurt now
how can i?
its unnerving to know that i have not been obnoxious to living all this while. i have clung to life like a parasite whereas am i not used to it. so the obvious question - where have i been all these days?
i am specifically mentioning the question for the male readers (if any) because a woman would easily ask this, but for a man its so easy to see/realise/feel everything but the obvious.
and for the answer to the question!
i had been home - like to a relative's place. and how i love being at relative's places for festivals. specially when i get bullied like cattle for being horizontally enhanced. yeah! whatever!
but then there were kids... three of them. lovable at that - two of them were still toddlers. and i like, actually i abso-freaking-lutely adore kids who dont talk except in their own language.
so i loved that part.
and then, there was a abnormality in life. there was this time when i felt annoyingly important. important to myself. i was angry at my hair because it generally falls straight and nice otherwise. but it was all grumpy and dull when i most wanted it to be straight and nice. i was feeling fat (not that i am thin otherwise, but a lot more because of the bullying shit.) i felt the abnormal urge to be pretty which is exasperating because i love the idea of being the ugly wretch generally. its actually fun to be the ugly wretch you know. but i didn't want to be that. i wanted to be something that i am entirely not. its a bad thing, they say.
OK! i know they dont particularly matter. but even then. they tend to matter if they are a work of my magnificient imagination. (hah! of course. what did you think? a certain 'they' walk up to me for some morose reason and whisper stuff like that in my ears? haha)
so, let me rephrase. i think its a bad thing to want to be something/someone i am not.
WHY?
do you think i know?
i have no idea why. but yet, its a bad thing. lets just keep it at that.
so what happened? you wondering..
had been to a nice place for my first vacation ever.
clicked a lot of pictures.
but vacationing is so not me. its just that all the roaming around that i have done has been a different exercise altogether. like either with family pretending to be all nice and cute and obidient and stuff like that or i have been out for the entire day with adriana and his friends, where i am the biker 'babe' who can crack sarcastic, brutal smart jokes at the very spur of any moment, who can tolerate anything and everything - even pain. so basically i am not me ever.
but when am i 'me' exactly?
thats a tough question. although i know the answer, but not now.
and i have had a startling discovery in these days. and i am astonished at the normalcy at which i am handling that too. i have been nourishing a broken dream for a while. i always like broken/shattered/smashed possessions. they never fade. not even their memories. like i once told my the then 'guy' - you'd never realise how much i care for you untill i am not there anymore. that held true. now that i am not there anymore, i have lost him again. i have had gotten so used to the pain of losing him (or so i thought) that i assumed it does not matter to me anymore. but now, when i think of it, it is not all that ok. but i am - like i said - alright.
annoyed - maybe
cheated - maybe
lonely - definately not
peaceful - i guess
happy - whatever
alright - obviously
chill ! women are difficult to interpret.
chuck it. the more you try to understand me, the more likely i am to change right after you get a bit of it.
as usual - see ya around!
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