Peace of mind matters to me. Like a lot.
More than anything else. even sanity. Yeah, i know i cant be sane for nuts but i cant be peaceful how much so ever hard i try.
if you think i dont try, you are wrong. i try. very much.
but i never happen to get any peace.
you could think that i am chaotic because i am alone right now. but i am not. like i am not chaotic in the true sense of the term. neither am i lonely (like not lonlier than i otherwise am). on the contrary, i have company. someone to make me feel that i need to be taken care of. someone to feel that i matter. someone to make me think that i might just be worth it.
Dear reader, (if any - that is),
you might be wondering "oh yeah! BIG DEAL" all of us have someone to make us feel like-never-before all the time. But not me. i have had someone make me feel like-never-before all the time. but not in a pleasant way. i have had that sort of a feeling only in sheer dismal ways. everyone makes me feel some abominable, detestable, despicable animal all the time. but this is different. over here i refer to the nice, peaceful, pleasant way.
"Upon the stairs I saw a man, who wasn't there; who wasn't there the other day, I wished to god he'd go away."
why away - that's another story. LATER. maybe.
however, let me not drift away from the topic.
i use the word peace pretty loosely perhaps. peace could mean anything to me. it could mean the glorious pain in the way those huge drops of rain slap my face. it could mean the smell of freshly fried french fries with garlic-oregano-cheese dip. it could mean a casual walk along busy streets of mumbai (or even the marine drive). it could be a certain time when i play with words like a violin. even when i just lie on my bed wide awake - like maybe waiting for the ceiling to fall on me, or for some hunky dory lizard to crawl up the 12th floor and sing love songs, don't know what. but i am just wide awake at times. thinking nothing. OK - thinking nothing relevant. FINE - nothing that i want to reveal. Not right now at least.
Peace is a funny word i guess. Why does it even matter eventually? don't we all die and rest in peace? So, is peace synonymous to death? On hindsight - is peace synonymous only to death?
Maybe my question really is why has peace begun effecting me so much? It's been a while now that that happened. Years ago, when i was all excited and eager to face the world and began MY life. It began on a good note. It was good while it lasted. But now when i think of it i realise i've had enough of that. when you reach out to the world to grab as much as you can, you may or may not land up with pieces of the world (i was the latter). However, the more you reach out, the more parts of yourself you tend to loose. And it always begins with innocence - you always loose that first. Then the sparkle in your eyes that signifies the entire concept of the earnestness. Then the warmth, the fear, the inhibitions, reluctance. and before you realise, you are out of everything - everything that may seem to be so little when you have it but when you come to see it, THOSE little things are the very things that we seek in the other people who we prefer to keep close to us little realising that those people also might be searching for the same worldly possessions.
These losses that i talk so un-frugally about; these and the variety of others that follow, come with their own phases. Like those of chronic depression, angst, aloofness, mood-swings (and i dont mean only for women - these are not the phases of PMS), there are a lot of things that cant really be fathomed in all these times. a lot of time - valuable time, mind you- is spent on trying to figure things out and wonder what has exactly happened and why things are working that ways.
in totality, before you even realise, you have lost all time for peace.
when i try and find the peace that i once had, i ransacked every imaginable corner of my brain, hoping that peace might have been unknowingly tucked in some closet or brushed underneath some carpet or some place that i could not find. but well, i was -as usual- proved wrong. It was nowhere. wonder why? i wonder too, but i dont really get an answer.
have you ever prized something too much but have not even realised when you lost it? like maybe an i-pod that was with you before you boarded the 22:08 local but mysteriously dissappeared by the time you reached home safely? or did you ever meet the guy you could die for in school a few years after your acquaintance and failed to recognise him for say 20 minutes? at least did you ever wonder what it may make you feel like?
it'll make you feel like your favorite love song was actually written for a sandwich
or maybe like the radio jockey whose voice makes you swoon is actually a girl (astonishingly enough you could bet your life once on the fact that its a guy)
or maybe like a revelation of the fact that earth is actually a barren cube and aristotle was only making fun of us all this while
hmm- i assume now you know what i felt like. or at least, so i hope, you have a faint idea.
i felt cheated. i felt cheated by my own belief. like there was this thing which i always believed i had. all the time. i used to believe that its only human to adapt and change. but even while we evolve ourselves, we still are just as peaceful as ever. but i never bothered to check the fact.
now i wish i would have checked. today i am not at peace with myself. maybe that's the reason why it matters to me at all.
anyways, thats the way of life i presume. it makes omlettes out of brains - crack crack crack- whisk whisk whisk and splat. all is gone before you realise.
********** i have been writing this post for 2 days now. and i have this tendency to not know when to stop. so i am going to get lost now. and if you, my dear, wasted time in reading this one, i feel sorry for you. It didn't make senses. like not the post - but the idea of reading it and trying to comprehend it. :)
anyways,
see ya around.